So today I was meant to do another book review and it was going to be Interview With A Vampire but then I realized I'd have like a week to read The Vampire Lestat and Interview took me like 3 weeks, so I decided that maybe it was best to wait and then I could also do Queen of The Damn too. Plus, also they seem very fitting for October! Also, I'm meant to be going to a steampunk weekend this week and I want to write about that, so it made even more sense to wait.
This post might feel a bit random, but I thought it'd be something everyone could relate too.
As I child and teenager one of the things I really wanted to do was to grow up. Of course, there were other things I wanted, but to break away from my parents, get out of high school, do what I wanted when I wanted it ect, that was the main one. I guess most under 18's feel the same. Then though when you are over 20 or so, you wish to go back to that time because life was so much easier. You didn't have to worry so much about money, other people, were your life was truly going and love. Being a child is frustrating, but being an adult can be even more frustrating.
And currently my love life is very frustrating. In the first week of July, I wrote an update post about thing, which did center around the dating I'd been doing. The post is here; http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/july-life-update-part-1-what-am-i-doing.html. Briefly though I dropped guys B and C as they weren't for me and guy A dropped me- no idea what went wrong there, so I decided to stick it out with guy D, though I did have a a date or two with two other guys in the early days. One actually made a total mess of the after date conversation and totally put me off seeing him again.
I decided to come off the dating website and just enjoy my time with D. He and I do get along, even though I don't feel the same physical attraction to him as he does me. We have a lot in common and all our dates have been good. Going to Blackpool was the best one though! The thing has been that I can't make my mind up about him. I like D, but not in the whole falling in love way. He's a perfect gentleman - really does remind me of a British Victorian upper class, stiff upper lip gentleman really.
I do like that though. D's charming, caring and likes looking after me, but that only plays to one side of me. One of my other sides demands a wild rawness which he has yet to display. Though I also seek softness, passion and slowness. The child in me craves another child like soul to play with and though he's touched on that side of himself I need more. I have another side that seeks being dominated and surrendering. Yet I also have a side the begs for independence, alone-ness and space. My creative side needs D to be more expressive, adventurous and less controlling. My outgoing side needs him to be more confident, outgoing and louder, so that he becomes more in balance with my nature.
So, you can see this is a big undertaking! I don't expect anyone to be able to satisfy all sides of me and it seems I'm like a few persons rolled into one, which is sometimes how I end up feeling anyway. My ex dealt with it well though and perhaps he's slightly to blame for bring more of those sides out. I'm happy like this though, sure I can do with being less emotional, over thinking, over worrying and self-conscious, but wouldn't everyone?
Actually, my ex is hanging over me like a ghost and so are the shadows of the past. I can't shake him. Too much I think back and compare him to D or one of the other guys I dated. I know it's wrong and I must stop. You can't compare men like they are shoes. They look and fit how they do, each one is different and individual. They all have their pros and cons too. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't no matter how hard you try and maybe that's for the best because one day you'll find the perfect shoes. That's a good if strange way to think about men.
I'm now going to use another example to help explain what happened between me and D this weekend. So far everything has be going well and I've been happy with the casual dating. About a month ago, I invited him for a weekend away in Leeds to take part in a steampunk fair. He agreed and we got a hotel for two nights between us. We decided to have a sort of trail run of spending the night together and also more private time. So, I went to his for Saturday night and now comes in my example.
Now, does anyone remember a '90's teenage drama series called The Tribe? Here's a memory jog;
I was addicted to this when I was an teen and I still am today. It has a surprisingly large following still. I'm bring it up because there was a lot of characters who had romantic encounters and relationships which were filled with teen awkwardness and lack/ break down of communication. This kids didn't understand the feelings they were going through and of course in the dystopian world they live in there are no adults to help explain things. So, they had to figure things out and also try and survive. Though they never seemed short of make up and clean clothes!
That teen awkwardness and break down of communication is so what happened at the weekend. There were things he and I both should have said and done that we didn't. It was difficult because we were not alone and I think it was harder for him because this was the first time he'd brought a girl to met his mum. The other problem was we did just want my ex and I use to do; sit on the soft and watch stuff. It was a jump back to a past I was trying to escape from and I just felt let down. On Sunday, he wasn't feeling well but didn't tell me that until we had left to go to the train station. I was mean to him and I said some things I shouldn't have said, but at the time I was angry and upset with him. Okay, I wasn't expecting to be treated like a Princess but he hardly treated me like a guest.
It was on my mind last night and has been on my mind all of today. Why and how had that happened? Who was to blame for a bad weekend? How come he'd upset me so much that I didn't want to see him again? The truth is both of us are to blame. I think me more then him though because I clearly need to be the one 'wearing the pants' in this relationship, which is something I've not done before and have little experience of. It's clearly time to learn!
In fact, whilst I've been writing this post we have been talking on Skype and it seems we have been able to draw a line under that weekend. He wants to put it behind us and fix the attention on Leeds, which promises to be a lot more fun and productive! I do agree, but as I told him, I need him to come out of his shell some more and just be more of himself. He needs to work on his low confidence and we both need to communicate better. I need to let go of the past, move on and stop being so selfish.
Maybe there's hope for us after all, but we'll see.
By the way this photo of a crab was meant to represent me when I get angry and/or upset. I'm too much like my star sign! But it also seemed fitting for what I just wrote too.
If you've got any relationship advice you'd like to share then please do and as always please check out my other blog; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/
See you next Monday!
Images from:
https://pixabay.com/
http://www.tribeworld.com/2011/series-1-wallpapers-part-2/t1_wallpaper_lg_20/
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