Hi readers,
Things have been real tough for me these last few weeks. I agreed to cover the senior receptionist's three shifts a week at work for 2 weeks as he went on holiday and my manager was sort of struggling to find someone to cover. I normal just cover the Mondays and Fridays leaving the Wednesday to go to Dungeons and Dragons but I'm saving up for a new bed and D&D wasn't on the second week.
The first week was okay, I had an issue with missing some young people off the register and the takings being down, but those are things I continually struggle with. I blame my moderate learning difficulties and the unreliability of honest teenagers.
Then I had the first return to Saturday evenings shift to do. Over the spring and summer, I've worked in the afternoons on a girl's only session offer but it's been decided that we are going back to the evening shifts for the autumn/winter. That went fine - it was a free session so no money handling for me and we had a low number of teens in.
The second Monday came and I realised how tried and unwell I was feeling. My insomnia and sleep pattern - which I really don't have anyway- was bad. When I was sleeping, I wasn't getting enough and I was starting to realise that covering for two weeks might have been a bad idea. Still though, I was going to get a new bed with my extra wages and that was something to keep going for.
Another issue happened; my IBS flared up. (Slight side story here, but my mum makes a nice Sunday dinner every Sunday and I love chicken and gravy but I've know for some years now that gravy mix triggers me. Mum and I have been through lots of different brands and made our own etc, but I've yet to find a gravy I can safely eat). So, I had a pre-made chicken with herbs in a bag and gravy which seems to have been the cause of my flare up.
I have another condition called Ulcerative Colitis which is similar to IBS but can make me so ill when it flares up that I can't do anything and sometimes I have to go to hospital with it as the pain is super bad. I've had both of this conditions for 13 years now and maybe two or three years before it was diagnosed. Managing them both can be hard but I've learnt the signs and symptoms to tell them a part enough.
When I try to explain them to people, I say think of a time when you had a bad stomach bug and you had to go to bathroom all the time. Now, imagine if you had that everyday! Sometimes it's fine enough that you can go out for a day trip somewhere like the zoo or the beach. Other days, it's so bad you have to stay in between you bed and the bathroom, not able to do much else.
What I rarely go into with people is all the other side effects of the conditions and all the treatments I've been on that have left their own side effects on my mind. One day, I plan to write a post on here about that but for now I'll get back to the subject of this post.
So yeah, I had a flare up of my IBS and it wasn't good. I could barely do my job that Monday evening but I stuck it out, though I made mistakes and I should have gone home sick. But I don't like letting my IBS and colitis rule my life, I have always said if I allow that I'd never leave my house again. Anyway, when I got home afterwards, I was exhausted but couldn't really sleep and I felt more unwell. I told myself it would be okay though.
However, the next day, Tuesday, instead of my normal juniors arts and crafts shift, I got asked to cover reception and of course I agreed. Now, the young age group is manic and it's super easy to not stay on top of things and get stressed out. That's what happened with me and of course one of my other IBS triggers is stress! So, my flare up only got worse and I made a few bad mistakes and got in trouble. Once again, I should have gone home sick but with less then two hours to go, I didn't.
On Wednesday, I got called into a meeting and had to explain all the mistakes I had made over the past few shifts. I felt like everything was crashing down over me. I was exhausted, stressed, feeling ill and still having to deal with my flare up plus the side effects of that! So, I had an emotional break down in that meeting. I got a few things off my chest and cried a lot. I didn't feel that much better though and once again, I should have gone home but I stayed and did a 7 hour shift.
When I got home that night, even more exhausted and ill, I felt depressed and suicidal. I didn't feel like normal me anymore, it was like this other person who was having all these drowning thoughts, feelings and emotions had taken over. I couldn't stop crying and though I needed to sleep, I couldn't. I was worried about losing my job, my flare up getting worse and about all the stress working over the last 3 days had caused.
Even though, my parents had gone to bed, I awoke them and had a long conversation about things. Though, I don't remember much of that now. My mum told me I should phone in sick for Friday and Saturday and see a doctor in the morning. Which I did end up doing. When I phoned in sick, I felt like a weight had been lift. I didn't have to worry about going into work and making more mistakes or trying to deal with my flare up whilst there. I could stay at home, de-stress and sleep, like I needed.
The doctor give me anti-depressants and a phone number for counselling. I have known for about a month and bit now that I've been balancing on the edge of falling into depression again. I know the trigger has been to do with not being able to find a new job and therefore not being able to move on with my life how I want to. It seems all this stress at work has really pushed me off the edge now.
After a night of better sleep and the worry of work gone, I was feeling better. I was still emotional, anxious and stressed though. I realised for the last 24 to 48 hours I hadn't really been myself. My mind was clear from all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts, I felt more like myself again. I got to wondering who that person had been those last few hours, because that had been far from my own personality. My mum nicknamed her the crazy cat lady and I kind of agreed!
I reflected on what had happened, give it the name of an emotional break down and I've been trying to move on every since. The doctor give me two weeks off work and I've been taking it easy. Doing things I enjoy, thinking about how I feel and sleeping!
Depression wise, I only took one anti-depressant tablet out of the 14 I got given so far. I don't believe that they really work for me. They take a course or two to actually get into your system and start the chemical reactions to balance emotional levels. When you come off then, the side effects including making you depressed again!
I have been able to control my mild bouts of depression for years now as I have had mental health problems for most of my life. I know the signs and what I need to do to help. Often this includes, talking to people about all my issues, doing things I enjoy more like reading and crafting and writing non-fiction reflection and record pieces. For some reason though, I struggle with writing fiction, so my short stories on my other blog of late have not been so good. I've been able to keep the habit of writing them and to me that counts for a lot more at the minute! So, hopefully, I'll be able to keep self-managing now.
Lastly and yes I know how long this post is now! I wrote in my diary on Thursday night about how depression feels like Alice In Wonderland. At the time, I had forgot that the theory behind the story and Alice Through the Looking Glass is to do with mental health. When I told my mum the next day she reminded me and I decided it did make a lot of sense. I also wrote a blog post here way back in November 2016 (http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.com/2016/11/november-life-update-were-all-mad-here.html) which was about my then mental health problems due to meds I was on and how it did seem like I was Wonderland.
So, yeah, for now I'm Alice, dealing with the Mad Hatter, Cheshire Cat and the Queen of Hearts. I hope in the next few weeks I am able to find the White Rabbit and leave Wonderland behind me!
Thanks for reading this super long post!
Stock photos from;
https://www.pexels.com and https://pixabay.com/
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