Hi readers,
I'm struggling today. I'm still not well and had to take some more time of work but I now have to look at claiming benefits again as I've used up all my sick pay. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation because I don't want to but I don't have a choice. So, I have to go through trying to put a claim in and hoping I can get some finical support.
I also have to go back to work next Saturday, even if I don't feel well enough because not going will just make this situation worse. I want to go back. I enjoy my job and working, so I will try hard to self manage my colitis.
That isn't an easy task, it's okay to avoid the food, drink and pain relief tablets that trigger me but what my battle really is about is my anxiety and stress. Trying to keep both of them down, is currently hard for me to do as I have so many worries and now I have the money and work ones back!
I know deep down I will get through all of this. I've done so before and it's just a rough time for me again. I have the support of a lot of people around me, though I know today doesn't feel like that's the case but it's very much true.
I'm also real lucky that I still live with my parents and don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills etc. I have some emergency money savings which can see me through till this month's payday, so as long as I don't actually buy anything for the next few weeks I'll be fine. So, I'm going to try and not worry about that all too much.
I've used some of those savings today to pay for my car tax and MOT. As my car was due both and the last thing I need is to be worrying about losing my car. My dad will make sure my car passes the MOT test, so I don't need to worry about that, just got to let him do some work on things this weekend to make that a positive pass as much as possible.
So, now I just have to try and sent all this side and focus on other things. I know that's easily said then done! But I know that spending time over worrying, being upset, depressed and anxious won't get me anywhere or make anything better. Acting and trying to solve my issues with a calm mind and heart is the best way to go.
Trying to stay positive has always been a hard thing for me to do. I like to think I'm a positive, happy person but that's not actually the case. I make myself like that because that's how I think I should be. I'm sure some of you also do that. Being negative and unhappy is a lot easier to do and people noticed that a lot more too.
I do feel a bit like I'm drowning at the moment. It's like being on a boat in a storm and being thrown overboard. I'm struggling to save myself from the crushing waves and I know only I can really do that. Other people might be throwing the life ring out for me but it's up to me to grab it and hang on.
So, what I do I do when I'm in this situation? Normally, I do have a break down. I cry lot and wonder over so much. I talk to people - my parents, boyfriend, some friends and just let everything out to them and try to listen to whatever advice they give me. Which can be hard as sometimes I don't want that but afterwards, it kinda useful to think about their suggestions and maybe act on them.
I do lots of writing - in my diary, reflectively and though it can be hard, short stories. I can let everything out and I don't have to show my writing to anyone and I can just release all my thoughts and feelings on to paper and then it doesn't go around in my head. Actually, I do have a big focus this month as it's the A-Z Blogging Challenge! I'm wring a short story everyday prompted by words that are new to me. You can check it out on my other blog here; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/
One of the other things I do is blast some heavy metal music and sing along. It's really get way to de-stress and just release all my emotions. Sometimes I'm too ill or not in the mood for this, so finding the right moment sometimes has to wait. But by taking the hours to do this, it's worth it as I often feel so much better afterwards and like I'm rising above everything that's getting me down.
I have lots of bands and songs, I cycle through but I always return to these favourite bands; Disciple, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Iron Maiden, Drowning Pool, Bullet For My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon and Soil. All their songs speak to my soul and find a peace in the lyrics that I don't get anywhere else.
The other thing I do to feel more positive and really I need to do more of this as I've found it can help lot and also change my mind set, is to get my Happy Books out. I think I've wrote about this before but briefly, a friend got me a notebook that had Happy Book on it and I decided to collect quotes and memes and imagines that made me happy inside the book. When I filled it, I went and brought this artist's A4 book to continue doing this.
The front cover is a temporary thing until I get around to making one.
I used Pinterest to help find things that make me happy and this can just be anything. I put this into a document, print them, cut them and stick them in the book. This helps focus my mind and also soak up some positive thinking. Here's an example of this;
Recently, I have also turned to knitting and that helps me get through too. I was going to add to the end of this post about my recently finished knitting and my current projects but this post is all ready too long as I'll leave it like this now.
I hope that things do get sorted for me soon and that things can change. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out my other blog.
(Photos my own).
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