April Life Update; That Drowning Feeling.

Hi readers,

I'm struggling today. I'm still not well and had to take some more time of work but I now have to look at claiming benefits again as I've used up all my sick pay. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation because I don't want to but I don't have a choice. So, I have to go through trying to put a claim in and hoping I can get some finical support.

I also have to go back to work next Saturday, even if I don't feel well enough because not going will just make this situation worse. I want to go back. I enjoy my job and working, so I will try hard to self manage my colitis. 

That isn't an easy task, it's okay to avoid the food, drink and pain relief tablets that trigger me but what my battle really is about is my anxiety and stress. Trying to keep both of them down, is currently hard for me to do as I have so many worries and now I have the money and work ones back! 

I know deep down I will get through all of this. I've done so before and it's just a rough time for me again. I have the support of a lot of people around me, though I know today doesn't feel like that's the case but it's very much true. 

I'm also real lucky that I still live with my parents and don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills etc. I have some emergency money savings which can see me through till this month's payday, so as long as I don't actually buy anything for the next few weeks I'll be fine. So, I'm going to try and not worry about that all too much.

I've used some of those savings today to pay for my car tax and MOT. As my car was due both and the last thing I need is to be worrying about losing my car. My dad will make sure my car passes the MOT test, so I don't need to worry about that, just got to let him do some work on things this weekend to make that a positive pass as much as possible. 

So, now I just have to try and sent all this side and focus on other things. I know that's easily said then done! But I know that spending time over worrying, being upset, depressed and anxious won't get me anywhere or make anything better. Acting and trying to solve my issues with a calm mind and heart is the best way to go. 

Trying to stay positive has always been a hard thing for me to do. I like to think I'm a positive, happy person but that's not actually the case. I make myself like that because that's how I think I should be. I'm sure some of you also do that. Being negative and unhappy is a lot easier to do and people noticed that a lot more too. 

I do feel a bit like I'm drowning at the moment. It's like being on a boat in a storm and being thrown overboard. I'm struggling to save myself from the crushing waves and I know only I can really do that. Other people might be throwing the life ring out for me but it's up to me to grab it and hang on. 

So, what I do I do when I'm in this situation? Normally, I do have a break down. I cry lot and wonder over so much. I talk to people - my parents, boyfriend, some friends and just let everything out to them and try to listen to whatever advice they give me. Which can be hard as sometimes I don't want that but afterwards, it kinda useful to think about their suggestions and maybe act on them. 

I do lots of writing - in my diary, reflectively and though it can be hard, short stories. I can let everything out and I don't have to show my writing to anyone and I can just release all my thoughts and feelings on to paper and then it doesn't go around in my head. Actually, I do have a big focus this month as it's the A-Z Blogging Challenge! I'm wring a short story everyday prompted by words that are new to me. You can check it out on my other blog here; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

One of the other things I do is blast some heavy metal music and sing along. It's really get way to de-stress and just release all my emotions. Sometimes I'm too ill or not in the mood for this, so finding the right moment sometimes has to wait. But by taking the hours to do this, it's worth it as I often feel so much better afterwards and like I'm rising above everything that's getting me down. 

I have lots of bands and songs, I cycle through but I always return to these favourite bands; Disciple, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Iron Maiden, Drowning Pool, Bullet For My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon and Soil. All their songs speak to my soul and find a peace in the lyrics that I don't get anywhere else. 

The other thing I do to feel more positive and really I need to do more of this as I've found it can help lot and also change my mind set, is to get my Happy Books out. I think I've wrote about this before but briefly, a friend got me a notebook that had Happy Book on it and I decided to collect quotes and memes and imagines that made me happy inside the book. When I filled it, I went and brought this artist's A4 book to continue doing this. 

The front cover is a temporary thing until I get around to making one.      

I used Pinterest to help find things that make me happy and this can just be anything. I put this into a document, print them, cut them and stick them in the book. This helps focus my mind and also soak up some positive thinking. Here's an example of this; 

Recently, I have also turned to knitting and that helps me get through too. I was going to add to the end of this post about my recently finished knitting and my current projects but this post is all ready too long as I'll leave it like this now. 

I hope that things do get sorted for me soon and that things can change. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out my other blog. 

(Photos my own).

November Life Update; 'We're All Mad Here."

Hi readers, 

It feels like we've not had a book review in ages! That's because my last one was in September! Part of the problem has been that it's taken me ages to read Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestat. I was also meant to be reading and reviewing Queen Of The Damned, but I'm not going to because the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book is sat on my to-read-pile and I'm so picking that up next! Next Monday though will see my review of Anne Rice's vampires because today I want to write about the other reason why it's taken me so long to read two books. 

My mental health has been really bad lately and it's been due to some medication I've had to go on. Though I've briefly talked about it in the past, I've never gone into details about my long term health problem. I guess because I don't know really where to start or how to write it, but it's also because it's embarrassing and I've hardly ever tell anyone about it. I have in my drafts on here, a blog post titled about it, but I've not been able to bring myself to write it. And now, that I'm sat here writing this, which actually began as an idea a few weeks, when I had decided to try and write about it, I find once again I can't bring myself to do it! 

Anyway, I don't really need to go into details about it because this post is about the medication I'm on and how it effects me. I'm sure some people will be able to relate to this because the drugs are used for other illness too. I guess, I decided to write about because it's a good chance to reflect on things and to remind me that this is just a moment in my life which will soon pass. Plus, maybe it'll help someone else too. 

So, five weeks back I started on a course of steroids to help control my illness, which due to being messed around by my hospital -story of my life that!- had gotten out of control and I was at risk of having to go into accident and emergency to get them to sort out out. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again! I've actually had a lot of courses of steroids over the ten years I've now been diagnosed for. This dose is like my fourth or fifth this year. So, I'm use to being on them. 

Now, if you've ever been on them or other tablets that can effect you, then you'll spent time reading closely what they can do and even though I know, I always re-read the leaflets they give you. I know medication effect everyone differently and this is my personal account of how steroids effect me. 

Firstly, there's the main and biggest one which is my mental health. (And if you were wondering why I choice Alice In Wonderland quotes for this post, this will explain it.) The best way I can explain what steroids do to my brain is to compare it to someone - a child really, who has attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I' m hyper all the time, like I'm running on pure sugar. I don't feel tried and often I can't sleep. I want to do everything all at once and I talk a lot more. My attention span is short and I get bored quick and want to move on to something else. When I do get tried, I crash hard and at the minute I'm getting up to 12 hours sleep, because I'm just so exhausted but I don't feel it. 

I am also having some autistic traits. I don't want to be around people, I want to be alone and I don't really want to be touched. I'm finding it hard to understand simple things that people are telling me or asking me to do. I'm also having trouble communicating back! I know what I want to say, but it comes out wrong or else the meaning of the words isn't right. My sense of hearing also feels changed and I'm hearing stuff in the background more, though a few times what I'm hearing isn't actually there. I'm highly aware of the world around me, especially large groups of people. I'm hypersensitive to touch, so the simplest thing of someone brushing my arm, I feel it fully and a gentle tap feels hard to me. 

I have high levels of anxiety and paranoia, I over worry about things and people even though there's no need. I've had a few anxiety attacks now and they have all been caused by large crowds. My most recent happened last week whilst I was in Manchester with my date. We were on one of the most busy streets and it all got too much for me. I panicked about the number of people around me and what they were all going to do. I couldn't carry on walking and we had to stop next to the large city map. I started crying. I was so over welled by everything I couldn't do anything. 

My date handled it great. Of course, I told him at length everything I'm currently writing. There's no way I could hard this from him and I felt that was an important test of our relationship, because sadly this is a part of my life. He took me off to the side and calmed me a little. He then suggested we go to the book shop, where we had kinda been heading anyway and get off the street. I agreed and we went to Waterstones. It was quiet and I found comfort in the books. I brought two as well! I felt a lot better, though also silly. It's weird because in that moment everything just felt too real to me and I can't describe because there's no way to. But a part of me knew nothing was wrong and it was just an anxiety attack because I'd had a sensory overload. 

I think the last part of how steroids effect my mental health can best be described as having bipolar. I have been having mood swings that either are 'manic' moments or 'depression.' These mood swings come on suddenly and can be caused by everything and nothing. Normally it's stress or just too much happening at once. However, it's also caused by my hunger. This is another side effect and I feel hungry all the time no matter what and how much I eat. Sometimes I'll get cravings for certain foods and it can only by solved by eating that food and if I can't have it I start to get angry. 

For example, on another date, I wanted a jacket potato for tea. Now idea why, but that was what I needed. We past a cafe selling them, but it was only like 4pm, so we decided to come back later. However the shop was shut and I had a bit of a break down over the fact this had happened. My date had to search for the nearest place that was selling jacket potato. Luckily there was another place real close by and once I was eating, I was alot better.

Now the depression side of things normally happens when I start reducing the dose and have only a few weeks worth left, which is actually about this time. I'm on an eight week course and this is now week five. I'm use to how this form of depression is though and know the cause is the drugs and that knowledge helps a little. Still, having low/bad thoughts about myself isn't great no matter what. I hate depression because it's so hard to get out of and it feels easier to just keep falling. I have to combate it by focusing on something like arts/crafts, music and writing alot. 

I also try and talk to people, but this can be hard - even harder when I'm still suffering from the other mental issues too! People don't know how to help me. They don't know what to do or say and this can make things worse. Right now, I just keep telling people, to say to me that it's okay and it'll pass ect. Also, just to listen to me and not even give advice or anything, but just be there for me. Then I feel better, knowing that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

The other side effects are all smaller in comparing to all of that! I already wrote about the hunger, but I then switch and don't want to eat at all. I don't feel hungry even though I am and I don't want to eat anything. So I end up snacking because I can't face big meals and though I do love fruit and veg and other health treats, I do fall back on the sugar, especially because when the hyper effect is running out and I feel so exhausted, I need the energy back. I also drink a lot and have a thirst for everything. At the minute I've also get my purple bat sippy cup full of water or juice because then it's to hand and it helps. I also put on a lot of weight, which I totally hate, but more now that I've been working hard to loss it! This time doesn't feel so bad though because I've been trying to to do more exercise, so hopefully it won't take me long to get back down again. 

The other side effect I hate is 'rounded face' or 'moon face' my cheeks get really fat and red. It looks like I've put on a lot of weight suddenly or I've had a mild reaction to something. It's noticeable and I really hate it because nothing but being off steroids for a weeks can cure it! That knowledge doesn't make me feel better right now though. 

Remember my line about having hypersensitive skin? Well, it bruises easily too. So at the minute, my legs, arms and stomach have bruise from my restless nights rolling around on my bed and also from my rushing into things during the day. I look like I've been abused, that's how bad it seems. It's not true at all though! Thank God it's winter and I'm covering up all the time at the minute, because there's no way I'd want my legs and arms to be on display at the moment. 

Insomnia is another side effect, but I've not suffered greatly from that this time around. I guess because I'm not going to bed till between 1am-3am that the insomnia doesn't have time to kick in! The nightmares on the other hand have kicked in. It doesn't help I have a very active imagination and on steroids this is heightened. My dreams have felt so real of late that when I awake, it's hard for me to realise that it was a dream or a nightmare. I've had moments were I've done the whole; I'm-awake-no-I'm -not- I'm- still- asleep, -I'm -awake now-...no,- still -asleep! repeating a few times. Then when I finally awake I'm all a panic and it takes me awhile to calm down. Alongside this, one of the rare side effects is hallucination, which isn't been that bad actually and I hope it stays that way! 

I think that covers everything. I so know this post has been long, but I feel better about it all now. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and I'm not in pain now. But I always wonder is the pros worth the cons? For me having to deal with the mental problems is always challanging, but I do over come it and the steriods do help alot and stop me going into hosptial. It's only for now anyway and I've recently started a new drug which should help too. So, soon I'll be back to normal and better then before.      

Thanks for reading and see you next week! 

Ps. If you've got the time please check out my other blog. I write a short story every day, just in case you didn't know that! https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Also, you can follow me on all these places, if you want to;

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thestoryfiles 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ironmaidenfan9

Pinterest:  http://www.pinterest.com/hails9/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7400715-hayley-hardman

Google + : https://plus.google.com/u/0/+HayleyHardman

Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thestoryfilesblog

Images from; 

http://quotesgram.com/mad-alice-in-wonderland-quotes/

http://www.hippoquotes.com/time-quotes-alice-in-wonderland

Time To Talk About Mental Health Day

Hi readers, 

I'm doing an extra post this week because today is mental health awareness day and as someone who's suffered through a lot of mental health problems, I thought I'd take sometime to write about it. 

I've had three lots of depression; one which was undiagnosed when was I fifteen -because everyone just thought I was unhappy at school, but on reflection and knowing what I now know it was clearly depression. One for a brief time when I left uni before returning to do my masters - I was upset that I had to close the door on what had been a great three years of my life and I wasn't sure what to do next. And my finally one which was about three/four years back now, when I couldn't get a job and I just wanted to give up on everything. 

That most recent one was longer and more serious then the other two. I had to have pills and counselling. It all came about because after graduating I spent two years trying to get a job. The first year I told myself was like a gap year because I so needed the break and I did get stuff done and I was okay. 

The second year though the job center and my parents were on my back a lot. I must have applied for 200 odd jobs that year and got hardly any interviews. I didn't want to do anything, everyone was putting me down, so why not agree with them? I begin to beat myself up over how worthless and bad I must be. I told myself that there must be something wrong with me. All my friends had jobs and were moving on with their lives and I was just stuck in the gutter. What was the point?

The job center told me I was depressed and I needed to see my doctor. I did and found out I was dangerously depressed and suicidal. It came as a shock to me because I'd not realized how bad my mental health was. I think that it happens to a lot of people, but they just decided to get on with it and keep it hidden. It's a hard topic to talk about and other people who've not had mental health problems can't always understand how and why people who are affect behave the way they do. 

I've always been very talkative and I found that talking to my family and friends as well as the counselling did help. I started doing a lot more volunteering and found that I was getting into all the crafts and sewing at the youth center. I started to sew at home and discovered a liking for it. It became a hobby and it helped a lot of my depression. It give me something to focus on and do, which meant I wasn't thinking about stuff all the time and I had something of a purpose, because I'd then teach the kids how to do it. Then of course, I got a job and things have been pretty stable. 

Well, until last month when I broke up with my boyfriend. I've been boarding on being depressed again. Some of the signs have been there; lack of motivation, being stressed, ill, feeling uninspired and putting myself down that I won't fall in love again. I decided that I just couldn't go backwards and I didn't want to get so depressed again, that's why at the start of February, I picked up the list of stuff I'd wrote down I needed to do at the start of the new year and began thinking and doing some of them. I still have moments - I guess it's going to take some time to get myself right again- but for now I'm doing okay.  

    

My mum directed me to the Time To Change organisation because she thought it'd be good for me to run an activity on mental health with the 8-12 year olds I work with. I know that sounds a little young, but research is showing that a lot of young people are suffering with mental health problems. So, I thought it'd be cool to get the kids to make these folded claw things -that's what I call them! and talk about stuff with them. 

I think that depression, anxiety and stress - both which I've also had bouts of- are the top mental health issues. I think it has something to do with the societies and lifestyles we now all have. But there's also other mental health problems like phobias, grief and panic. A lot of this just goes undiagnosed because people won't go see doctors or talk to people about it because they are embarrassed. Today is the day to change that. And I know it's hard because you don't want people to be mean or misunderstand you etc, but actually the first step of admitting you might have a problem will make you feel better and of course once the ball is rolling it's a lot easier!  

Finally, I wanted to share this image below about stressing less. There's lots of things you can do when you're feeling stressed or having other mental health problems. Reaching out to people and getting the help and support you need is important and I think remembering these 10 points can also be useful. 

So, I hope that whatever you're doing to do is good and that you've found reading this inspiring enough to either make that first step or help others. Until Monday. Thanks for reading and please check out my other blog; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Images from: 

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/timetotalkday-resources

http://www.dailynewsservice.co.uk/mental-health-misconceptions/

http://historiasdeariadne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/os-piores-12-habitos-para-nossa-saude.html