April Life Update: Where have I been?

Hi readers,

So I didn't stick to my plan of blog posts. This is for a few reasons. I've been really busy with my other blog and work. I've three jobs now, just in case you didn't know! So, I'm working 6 days a week then juggling my family, friends, boyfriend and writing. Which means that things have been slipping.

I also have a back log of books to review, so I need get writing that up too! When I find the time.... Some of the books I'm going to group together though because it'll be easier. So, in the next two months I plan to have reviews about: JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Vampire + Rosario, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, The Sookie Stackhouse/ True Blood series and Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman. Then I'l have caught up on book reviews!

I really wanted to get this post up this week, despite all my business because I wanted to share the good news that I've brought a car! My first car and it's so cool. I'm picking up in a few days time and then I want to do some posts about driving.

There's also a few other things I wanted to share, but they'll have to wait for next week now, because I didn't take any photos. I so need to do that soon.

Hopefully, I can now start finding the time to write more of this blog. I think my other blog has taken over with the A-Z Challenge! That's worth checking out, here's the link: https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

That's it for now. Time to work on some reviews. Thanks for reading! 

November Life Update; 'We're All Mad Here."

Hi readers, 

It feels like we've not had a book review in ages! That's because my last one was in September! Part of the problem has been that it's taken me ages to read Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestat. I was also meant to be reading and reviewing Queen Of The Damned, but I'm not going to because the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book is sat on my to-read-pile and I'm so picking that up next! Next Monday though will see my review of Anne Rice's vampires because today I want to write about the other reason why it's taken me so long to read two books. 

My mental health has been really bad lately and it's been due to some medication I've had to go on. Though I've briefly talked about it in the past, I've never gone into details about my long term health problem. I guess because I don't know really where to start or how to write it, but it's also because it's embarrassing and I've hardly ever tell anyone about it. I have in my drafts on here, a blog post titled about it, but I've not been able to bring myself to write it. And now, that I'm sat here writing this, which actually began as an idea a few weeks, when I had decided to try and write about it, I find once again I can't bring myself to do it! 

Anyway, I don't really need to go into details about it because this post is about the medication I'm on and how it effects me. I'm sure some people will be able to relate to this because the drugs are used for other illness too. I guess, I decided to write about because it's a good chance to reflect on things and to remind me that this is just a moment in my life which will soon pass. Plus, maybe it'll help someone else too. 

So, five weeks back I started on a course of steroids to help control my illness, which due to being messed around by my hospital -story of my life that!- had gotten out of control and I was at risk of having to go into accident and emergency to get them to sort out out. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again! I've actually had a lot of courses of steroids over the ten years I've now been diagnosed for. This dose is like my fourth or fifth this year. So, I'm use to being on them. 

Now, if you've ever been on them or other tablets that can effect you, then you'll spent time reading closely what they can do and even though I know, I always re-read the leaflets they give you. I know medication effect everyone differently and this is my personal account of how steroids effect me. 

Firstly, there's the main and biggest one which is my mental health. (And if you were wondering why I choice Alice In Wonderland quotes for this post, this will explain it.) The best way I can explain what steroids do to my brain is to compare it to someone - a child really, who has attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I' m hyper all the time, like I'm running on pure sugar. I don't feel tried and often I can't sleep. I want to do everything all at once and I talk a lot more. My attention span is short and I get bored quick and want to move on to something else. When I do get tried, I crash hard and at the minute I'm getting up to 12 hours sleep, because I'm just so exhausted but I don't feel it. 

I am also having some autistic traits. I don't want to be around people, I want to be alone and I don't really want to be touched. I'm finding it hard to understand simple things that people are telling me or asking me to do. I'm also having trouble communicating back! I know what I want to say, but it comes out wrong or else the meaning of the words isn't right. My sense of hearing also feels changed and I'm hearing stuff in the background more, though a few times what I'm hearing isn't actually there. I'm highly aware of the world around me, especially large groups of people. I'm hypersensitive to touch, so the simplest thing of someone brushing my arm, I feel it fully and a gentle tap feels hard to me. 

I have high levels of anxiety and paranoia, I over worry about things and people even though there's no need. I've had a few anxiety attacks now and they have all been caused by large crowds. My most recent happened last week whilst I was in Manchester with my date. We were on one of the most busy streets and it all got too much for me. I panicked about the number of people around me and what they were all going to do. I couldn't carry on walking and we had to stop next to the large city map. I started crying. I was so over welled by everything I couldn't do anything. 

My date handled it great. Of course, I told him at length everything I'm currently writing. There's no way I could hard this from him and I felt that was an important test of our relationship, because sadly this is a part of my life. He took me off to the side and calmed me a little. He then suggested we go to the book shop, where we had kinda been heading anyway and get off the street. I agreed and we went to Waterstones. It was quiet and I found comfort in the books. I brought two as well! I felt a lot better, though also silly. It's weird because in that moment everything just felt too real to me and I can't describe because there's no way to. But a part of me knew nothing was wrong and it was just an anxiety attack because I'd had a sensory overload. 

I think the last part of how steroids effect my mental health can best be described as having bipolar. I have been having mood swings that either are 'manic' moments or 'depression.' These mood swings come on suddenly and can be caused by everything and nothing. Normally it's stress or just too much happening at once. However, it's also caused by my hunger. This is another side effect and I feel hungry all the time no matter what and how much I eat. Sometimes I'll get cravings for certain foods and it can only by solved by eating that food and if I can't have it I start to get angry. 

For example, on another date, I wanted a jacket potato for tea. Now idea why, but that was what I needed. We past a cafe selling them, but it was only like 4pm, so we decided to come back later. However the shop was shut and I had a bit of a break down over the fact this had happened. My date had to search for the nearest place that was selling jacket potato. Luckily there was another place real close by and once I was eating, I was alot better.

Now the depression side of things normally happens when I start reducing the dose and have only a few weeks worth left, which is actually about this time. I'm on an eight week course and this is now week five. I'm use to how this form of depression is though and know the cause is the drugs and that knowledge helps a little. Still, having low/bad thoughts about myself isn't great no matter what. I hate depression because it's so hard to get out of and it feels easier to just keep falling. I have to combate it by focusing on something like arts/crafts, music and writing alot. 

I also try and talk to people, but this can be hard - even harder when I'm still suffering from the other mental issues too! People don't know how to help me. They don't know what to do or say and this can make things worse. Right now, I just keep telling people, to say to me that it's okay and it'll pass ect. Also, just to listen to me and not even give advice or anything, but just be there for me. Then I feel better, knowing that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

The other side effects are all smaller in comparing to all of that! I already wrote about the hunger, but I then switch and don't want to eat at all. I don't feel hungry even though I am and I don't want to eat anything. So I end up snacking because I can't face big meals and though I do love fruit and veg and other health treats, I do fall back on the sugar, especially because when the hyper effect is running out and I feel so exhausted, I need the energy back. I also drink a lot and have a thirst for everything. At the minute I've also get my purple bat sippy cup full of water or juice because then it's to hand and it helps. I also put on a lot of weight, which I totally hate, but more now that I've been working hard to loss it! This time doesn't feel so bad though because I've been trying to to do more exercise, so hopefully it won't take me long to get back down again. 

The other side effect I hate is 'rounded face' or 'moon face' my cheeks get really fat and red. It looks like I've put on a lot of weight suddenly or I've had a mild reaction to something. It's noticeable and I really hate it because nothing but being off steroids for a weeks can cure it! That knowledge doesn't make me feel better right now though. 

Remember my line about having hypersensitive skin? Well, it bruises easily too. So at the minute, my legs, arms and stomach have bruise from my restless nights rolling around on my bed and also from my rushing into things during the day. I look like I've been abused, that's how bad it seems. It's not true at all though! Thank God it's winter and I'm covering up all the time at the minute, because there's no way I'd want my legs and arms to be on display at the moment. 

Insomnia is another side effect, but I've not suffered greatly from that this time around. I guess because I'm not going to bed till between 1am-3am that the insomnia doesn't have time to kick in! The nightmares on the other hand have kicked in. It doesn't help I have a very active imagination and on steroids this is heightened. My dreams have felt so real of late that when I awake, it's hard for me to realise that it was a dream or a nightmare. I've had moments were I've done the whole; I'm-awake-no-I'm -not- I'm- still- asleep, -I'm -awake now-...no,- still -asleep! repeating a few times. Then when I finally awake I'm all a panic and it takes me awhile to calm down. Alongside this, one of the rare side effects is hallucination, which isn't been that bad actually and I hope it stays that way! 

I think that covers everything. I so know this post has been long, but I feel better about it all now. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and I'm not in pain now. But I always wonder is the pros worth the cons? For me having to deal with the mental problems is always challanging, but I do over come it and the steriods do help alot and stop me going into hosptial. It's only for now anyway and I've recently started a new drug which should help too. So, soon I'll be back to normal and better then before.      

Thanks for reading and see you next week! 

Ps. If you've got the time please check out my other blog. I write a short story every day, just in case you didn't know that! https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Also, you can follow me on all these places, if you want to;

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thestoryfiles 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ironmaidenfan9

Pinterest:  http://www.pinterest.com/hails9/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7400715-hayley-hardman

Google + : https://plus.google.com/u/0/+HayleyHardman

Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thestoryfilesblog

Images from; 

http://quotesgram.com/mad-alice-in-wonderland-quotes/

http://www.hippoquotes.com/time-quotes-alice-in-wonderland

October Life Update Part 2: Happy Halloween!

Hi readers and happy Halloween to everyone! 

So, it's fallen on a Monday this year, which is pretty cool cause I get to share Halloween on the actual night! Also, though it does mean that I've had to get ahead writing this because I've plans and I'm just so busy right now. Which is good, but also not so good. Anyway, in to this post. So the Jack O'Lantern above is my tester one. I wanted something real simple and quick, which this tree was, but I know it's a bit messing because I had to hurry making it. 

I made this on Thursday because my brother who's just moved out wanted pumpkin pie, which he would have missed out on as he moved on Friday. I'm super going to miss him as we get on great and he's moving far away. Well, about 5-6 hours drive away to Southampton which is past London and we live in Manchester. So, he wanted pumpkin pie and then it seemed a waste to let the outside go to waste, so I used it for practice.

Also, I've been having a go at taking some better photos. So hopefully that'll be useful. So this year I've three pumpkins, which I think is like the max I've every had. I've not carved all three though. I've only every done two. The third one was craved by the new man in my life. We've still just dating at the moment, but things are progressing. This was the first time he's carved a pumpkin! It was actually great fun doing it together. 

Here's the pumpkins before carving.       

This one's mine and I decided to go with a Count Dracula face, but I didn't get it right. So it kind of looks like a weird face. 

This one is my date's. He went with a really scary face. We also switched out a candle for this light up balloon which made his even more creepy.

I think it all went well and they turned out pretty good. I just love shopping in October and all the Halloween stuff really attracts me. I've tried hard not to spend as much money as I normally do, but I think I've not been able to stick to that! The first thing I brought for Halloween was actually this baby werewolf plush soft toy. He's from Build-A-Bear and I just fell in love with him so much! He's so fluffy and I find holding him real calming. Which has been great for my anxiety problem. I could have brought this little ripped up blue denim jacket for him, but then he'd also need pants. I do kind of like him the way he is, but maybe I might make him clothes at some point - be a lot cheaper! 

I treated myself to another bear from Spiral.com this year too. Last year, I got the vampire Vlad and this year I got the grim reaper teddy. They also have a cat with bat wings which I might get next year. These two look so cute together though! Also, they match what my date and I dressed up as, which was a little strange! 

  

I always love all the different cups, mugs, goblets, jars etc that the shops sell and you can get. I don't actually have many myself as I don't use them, surprisingly! However, that changed when I got the purple plastic bat sippy cup! I totally love it and I don't think there's a day gone by since I got it about three weeks ago now that I've not used it! The bats have googly eyes on and it's actually a really big almost a pint I'd say in size. Now, the mason jars. They are huge in America and seem to be growing in popularity here in the UK. I got the white one which has like Witch's drink on it first and then brought the orange for my date to have. So we'd be kinda matching, which I thought was cute. The fourth glass was actually the first I brought and I was thinking of using it more of a tea light holder or maybe a little vase. 

I am a massive fan of candles as most of you know. But we don't get many autumn/pumpkin scented candles here. So when I see one I always end up getting it. I found this abandoned on a side shelf of Halloween masks and though I tried to find some more, I couldn't. I smells great though. I also got the new Yankee Candles scent which was called Forbidden Apple. Which smells awesome, but I do feel let down by it because apple is one of my favorite smells and I have a big Granny Smith scented Yankee candle which smells almost the same to me. I've got a caramel/candied apple too.

Okay, so this year for the trick or treaters I just got a big bag of 'monster' sweets/candy. I made goodie bags last year and ran out, so this year I'm just going with this. I've a sweet tooth but Halloween sweets just appeal to me even more. My favorites are the Chewits fangs, but I can only get them from one shop for some reason! But they are so good. 

My mum actually brought me the Twinkies - we don't have them in the UK and only certain shops - American themed sweet shops have them. But we found these in the world food aisle in a supermarket and I just knew I had to give them a try! They are brought out for the new ghost buster movie, but I guess the supermarket was like they are Halloween-y. They are key lime flavor which is like one of my favourite things, but you can't actually buy a key lime pie or anything else that flavor here. No idea why, I'd love that to change! 

Then there's a packet of witch's fingers which are peanut butter and strawberry jam centered- so tasty. And a big box of fancy chocolates. These are so good and just I could eat them all. My mum originally thought I'd give them out to the kids, but they are too good for that and too cute! 

Halloween fancy chocolates.

I've actually brought a lot of table clothes this year. I got three. Though one I'm actually using as a veil for my costume though! That was the first and it's actually the cloth I used for the table to take this photos with. The second cloth is the colorful plastic one. Even though I'm not having a party and don't need to cover a food table, I thought this would be great for actually going on the table/s outside were the pumpkins are to be displayed. The second cloth is the sliver bat one and that actually has a runner with it too. It was expensive but I love the fabric! Then I got so spider cobwebs as I really need some more that were not white or black.   

 Today, has been really crazy. Had to carve the pumpkins and decorate the house. Luckily, I'd got a few things out of the attic for that, but I think the big box of stuff is under my bed somewhere and I didn't have time to get that. Anyway, the front of the house looks pretty good. It's kinda the same how I had it last year I think. I wanted to get like some gravestones and them dotted around the front lawn bit, but I didn't have the money. I also saw some more skeleton creatures - rats, ravens, spiders, but I couldn't find any when I went back for them. It looks the part anyway.

We put up the decorations up first thing and then we carved the pumpkins. This is how the display looked this year. 

Then finally there's us in our costumes. I went as a vampire bride and he was a grim reaper.

And I just have to show you my dad's costume! This was the one he made last year, but it's still so awesome. My mum and I helped him make it.

We decided to go to a local ghost walk tonight and though we didn't see any ghosts it was fun, and I learnt a little about the town I live in. We walked though the graveyard too and I took some creepy photos.

On Saturday evening, My date and I went into Manchester for a meal to celebrate my new job! I'm now a causal receptionist at the youth center. I've been volunteering on reception for the last 8 months and then this job came up and I totally aced the interview. So we went out to celebrate that. Also, Manchester was dressed for Halloween and there were a few different events on, but I think we must have missed them. Still though, I love the paper pumpkin lanterns in the trees and the gate was pretty cool. The town hall was lit up green, but you couldn't get there because they are busy putting up Christmas stuff and yes that is a big inflated Santa in the background!

Lastly, and I know it's not really got anything to do with Halloween, but I wanted to share this awesome wool I found. It was really cheap and I'm going to knit a nice woolly scarf with it!

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has had a fun night! See you all next week!

September Life Update 2 : My Love Life Is A Soap Opera

Hi readers,

So today I was meant to do another book review and it was going to be Interview With A Vampire but then I realized I'd have like a week to read The Vampire Lestat and Interview took me like 3 weeks, so I decided that maybe it was best to wait and then I could also do Queen of The Damn too. Plus, also they seem very fitting for October! Also, I'm meant to be going to a steampunk weekend this week and I want to write about that, so it made even more sense to wait.

This post might feel a bit random, but I thought it'd be something everyone could relate too.

As I child and teenager one of the things I really wanted to do was to grow up. Of course, there were other things I wanted, but to break away from my parents, get out of high school, do what I wanted when I wanted it ect, that was the main one. I guess most under 18's feel the same. Then though when you are over 20 or so, you wish to go back to that time because life was so much easier. You didn't have to worry so much about money, other people, were your life was truly going and love. Being a child is frustrating, but being an adult can be even more frustrating.

And currently my love life is very frustrating. In the first week of July, I wrote an update post about thing, which did center around the dating I'd been doing. The post is here; http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/july-life-update-part-1-what-am-i-doing.html. Briefly though I dropped guys B and C as they weren't for me and guy A dropped me- no idea what went wrong there, so I decided to stick it out with guy D, though I did have a a date or two with two other guys in the early days. One actually made a total mess of the after date conversation and totally put me off seeing him again.

I decided to come off the dating website and just enjoy my time with D. He and I do get along, even though I don't feel the same physical attraction to him as he does me. We have a lot in common and all our dates have been good. Going to Blackpool was the best one though! The thing has been that I can't make my mind up about him. I like D, but not in the whole falling in love way. He's a perfect gentleman - really does remind me of a British Victorian upper class, stiff upper lip gentleman really.

I do like that though. D's charming, caring and likes looking after me, but that only plays to one side of me. One of my other sides demands a wild rawness which he has yet to display. Though I also seek softness, passion and slowness. The child in me craves another child like soul to play with and though he's touched on that side of himself I need more. I have another side that seeks being dominated and surrendering. Yet I also have a side the begs for independence, alone-ness and space. My creative side needs D to be more expressive, adventurous and less controlling. My outgoing side needs him to be more confident, outgoing and louder, so that he becomes more in balance with my nature.

So, you can see this is a big undertaking! I don't expect anyone to be able to satisfy all sides of me and it seems I'm like a few persons rolled into one, which is sometimes how I end up feeling anyway. My ex dealt with it well though and perhaps he's slightly to blame for bring more of those sides out. I'm happy like this though, sure I can do with being less emotional, over thinking, over worrying and self-conscious, but wouldn't everyone?  

Actually, my ex is hanging over me like a ghost and so are the shadows of the past. I can't shake him. Too much I think back and compare him to D or one of the other guys I dated. I know it's wrong and I must stop. You can't compare men like they are shoes. They look and fit how they do, each one is different and individual. They all have their pros and cons too. Sometimes they fit, sometimes they don't no matter how hard you try and maybe that's for the best because one day you'll find the perfect shoes. That's a good if strange way to think about men.

I'm now going to use another example to help explain what happened between me and D this weekend. So far everything has be going well and I've been happy with the casual dating. About a month ago, I invited him for a weekend away in Leeds to take part in a steampunk fair. He agreed and we got a hotel for two nights between us. We decided to have a sort of trail run of spending the night together and also more private time. So, I went to his for Saturday night and now comes in my example.

Now, does anyone remember a '90's teenage drama series called The Tribe? Here's a memory jog;

     

I was addicted to this when I was an teen and I still am today. It has a surprisingly large following still. I'm bring it up because there was a lot of characters who had romantic encounters and relationships which were filled with teen awkwardness and lack/ break down of communication. This kids didn't understand the feelings they were going through and of course in the dystopian world they live in there are no adults to help explain things. So, they had to figure things out and also try and survive. Though they never seemed short of make up and clean clothes!

That teen awkwardness and break down of communication is so what happened at the weekend. There were things he and I both should have said and done that we didn't. It was difficult because we were not alone and I think it was harder for him because this was the first time he'd brought a girl to met his mum. The other problem was we did just want my ex and I use to do; sit on the soft and watch stuff. It was a jump back to a past I was trying to escape from and I just felt let down. On Sunday, he wasn't feeling well but didn't tell me that until we had left to go to the train station. I was mean to him and I said some things I shouldn't have said, but at the time I was angry and upset with him. Okay, I wasn't expecting to be treated like a Princess but he hardly treated me like a guest.

It was on my mind last night and has been on my mind all of today. Why and how had that happened? Who was to blame for a bad weekend? How come he'd upset me so much that I didn't want to see him again? The truth is both of us are to blame. I think me more then him though because I clearly need to be the one 'wearing the pants' in this relationship, which is something I've not done before and have little experience of. It's clearly time to learn!

In fact, whilst I've been writing this post we have been talking on Skype and it seems we have been able to draw a line under that weekend. He wants to put it behind us and fix the attention on Leeds, which promises to be a lot more fun and productive! I do agree, but as I told him, I need him to come out of his shell some more and just be more of himself. He needs to work on his low confidence and we both need to communicate better. I need to let go of the past, move on and stop being so selfish.

Maybe there's hope for us after all, but we'll see.

By the way this photo of a crab was meant to represent me when I get angry and/or upset. I'm too much like my star sign! But it also seemed fitting for what I just wrote too.

If you've got any relationship advice you'd like to share then please do and as always please check out my other blog;  https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

See you next Monday!



Images from:
https://pixabay.com/
http://www.tribeworld.com/2011/series-1-wallpapers-part-2/t1_wallpaper_lg_20/

July Life Update Part 1: What am I doing right now?

Hi readers,

I'm writing this early too to try and get a head as I'm so busy right now. Originally, the sewing project post was meant to be up first, but then I realized this follows on well from last week's post when I wasn't able to write about two things on there. So, I'm moving that post to August now. Which means the three Mondays for the rest of this month will now be the book reviews of the Soulless Manga trilogy and the first two books in the Custard Protocol series. Though as I've just checked, the second book isn't out till the Thursday 21st July and that's 5 days to read it in. Just pre-order it so it'll come just before or on that day now. Should have got it with my birthday presents, oh well.

The first thing I want to write about today is the question of if  I'm a 'serial dater' or not. Now, my only slight risk of writing and publishing this is that there are certain people I'd rather not see this post. But I do want to reflect on recent things and prove that I'm not really a serial dater. So, as most of you know I broke up with my boyfriend back in January. Since then we've still stayed friends and though this has been hard it's working...beside from not being able to break some of the old habits....

Around April, I decided I had to move on and prove to myself that I was still date-able and not stuck on the highest shelf like a broken doll. I joined two dating websites, both of which I had used before though, this time I was going to juggle being on both of them at the same time. My inboxes every since then have been stacked high with messages from men. Unlike the last times though, I tried to be more picky in which men I message back.

Internet dating is hard. Everyone seems to think it's easy, but to be honest it's a lot easier to lie and just say what you want, because you feel more protected by the screen and being home then say if you met some at a bar or public event. So, I get a lot of messages with men just saying "I have great ect 'place body part here.'" or do "I want to have a one night stand ect ?" I don't reply to those messages. Also, its rare I reply to people not in the same country as me, just long distance dating isn't my thing and I have enough friends right now. Okay, maybe I could do with a few more...but I like meeting up and doing stuff, not just talk online.

I have a lot of rules and stuff in place for my safety as I am so aware of the problems online dating can led too. One of my rules is that I try to spend awhile talking to the guy to get to know him. Another is that the first date is actually called the first meet up and we meet as friends. That's how it's been for all my 'dates' and I have stated this every time, we are meeting as friends. Because it's less pressure off everything really and I'm not in a hurry to get back into a relationship. Not because I'm holding a candle for my ex, but because I've suddenly discovered the freedom of being single. Though sometimes I don't like it, I'm enjoying it for the most part. My long term goal is of course to find someone, but right now I'm happy building friendships. They say that's how the best relationships start anyway.

So, Over the last two months or so I've meet up with four guys now from the two dating sites. To code them, I'm going to give them letters of the alphabet and try not to go into too much detail about them personally (just to protect them and myself, because I'm nice like that).

The first guy, A, I have meet 3 times now. I really like him and we get on, there's this flitting between us which I enjoy too. He's very funny and sarcastic, which I like. He makes me laugh a lot and he finds my stories and jokes funny. Also, all the meet ups we've turn into mini adventures as we end up wandering around looking for places! The downside for me is that he does live far away from me, but he sees the city I live in as his true home and he does want to move here one day. I am hoping things will develop with him, but I'm not sure if it'll last, we don't seem to have that much in common as of yet anyway.

B lives a lot closer and we had an okay first date, even if I ended up taking the led on it. Which I don't mind, but he was lacking in confidence for me. Plus physically, I didn't feel attracted to him. He was really sweet, but I think he was too nice and was happy doing whatever I wanted. Which I didn't trouble me, but some input would have been good. We've stayed in connect and I said we could be friends, which I know he's not too happy about. We have yet to arrange a second meet up.

C and I have met twice now. He seems nice, but like B he is lacking in confidence and also he's shorter then me and I just can't deal with that. There's just something about tall men I like and it doesn't help that I'm tall myself! The first time we met, I had to buy my own drink. which I don't mind - it's not a date! but I think it jarred with me that he didn't even ask me about it or anything....unlike the other two guys. We had a good talk and we did have a bit of a walk too - which is how I noticed the height difference!

We went bowling and for lunch as our second meet up and he talked a lot about this girl he liked. I was actually in one of my low moods and the conversation wasn't that interesting. Bowling was fun though and lunch was okay. I fear that he'll go the same way B went though as he's not for me, but a friendship might work.

D does live a bit away from me and we have met twice now. The first time, I broke my rule of not eating on the first met up. I'm not a shy eater, but I can be a bit messy and I'd rather just get something like a drink which can easily be handled. And I was messy! We had a talk about a number of things and I do feel once again that I was far more confident then him. Though for some reason I was really on edge and so chatty. He was taller then me though and paid for lunch - super nice of him because he didn't have to. But then he give me super mixed signals because he decided to leave.

I don't normally set an end time unless I have to, but that meet up only lasted about an hour and 40 minutes. Which isn't that short but compared to the the four- six hours I'm use to it kinda is. I so thought I'd come on too strong and he'd not liked me. I had all this paranoia about it until he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet again...turns out he was just super worried about missing his train home though they seemed to be every hour. I agreed and decided to give it another go.

The second meet up went a lot better and actually changed some of my first judgement about him. I think it helped that we went and did something this time. We went to an art gallery and had fun looking at the paintings. He made some jokes and we talked a lot about art and relationships. We went for tea and it was my pick this time, I choice a new place I'd not been to before, but the food was good. We split the bill this time and we hugged like three times before he left.

I'd like to see him again and not just because he said he wanted to go to the zoo for our next meet up! But because I think his confidence will grow and we have lot in common.

So, am I serial dater? I don't believe so. For starts, I'm not actually 'dating' them and they and me know where we stand and I make it repeated clear that's the case. Also, this the first time I've seen a number of men at once. Normally, I stick with one guy and if the first meet up doesn't work then I move on to the next. Actually, I only started dating in my early twenties. As a teenager, I wasn't that interested in boys and it's only been over the last six or seven years that I have changed my mind and become interested in finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

I looked up what the actual differentiation of a serial dater and there's lots of interesting information out there, but I came to understand that it's a person who has a few dates with someone then moves on to someone else and the pattern repeats. They do this because they like the first stage of dating and don't want to commit to anything. Also they don't want to spend time getting to know people, they enjoy having money spent on them and date people who have nothing in common with them. I don't really tick any of those boxes.

Of course, I know there's going to come a time when either I decide to start a relationship with one of these guys or another I've yet to meet. I currently have two guys I really want to meet up with as well. Then I know I'll have to sort things out because I'm so not a cheat. At the minute I'm having a bit of trouble juggling the four guys I'm making friends with, so I can't imagine managing two different relationships! To be honest, I'm just having fun meeting and getting to new people, which is something I don't do really do.

And before I forget here's a link to a tumblr I llike and some of the posts on here just sum up internet dating messages for me really well; http://really-not-ok-cupid.tumblr.com/ If you need a giggle it's a good thing to check out, also it reminds me why being single can be a good thing!

On the flip side of this, for the past six weeks I have been giving up my Sunday mornings to be a part of the group mentoring at the youth center. It's the first run of this and it's to help 8-12 children who can't do 1-1 mentoring because their problems are not big enough or do to their additional needs they are unstable. But, if once we finish in another seven weeks, the young people still need support they'll go into the 1-1. I thought this would be a good way to start my mentoring as I've not been matched up to a young person yet.

I am finding it tough. It's hard to do anything for the first time even with training and support. I think it's going to take awhile for me to get into it as even after all this time I'm just not getting to grips with it. I'm not going to say mentoring isn't for me, I just think I need more practice at it as with everything. Maybe I need to do some more reading around the subject and look at how I can improve myself.

So the group mentoring sees three mentors, a supervisor, a supporter and eight young people meeting to do a range of activities which I divided into doing an activity often based around teamwork and looking at emotions/feels, lunch and small group time which sees the mentors working with the same 3 or 2 young people in a more focused activity. Now, my two kids are brother and sister and they have a bit of a rough home life, not in any abusive and neglecting ways, just that their mother has a lot on her plate it seems.

Last Sunday was also the second time they'd not turned up and it was the four time all together. It bugs me because I'm giving up my free time to help these kids to reach the reasons they are on mentoring and their mum doesn't seem so bothered to bring them. I'm so hoping this is going to change and that I can now spend the next few weeks actually helping this kids out. I keep telling myself that even if I'm just there for them and they can talk to me and I can teach them one coping technique they remember when they are having a bad time, then I'll feel like I achieved something. It'd be goo if I can do more, but as a mentor there's only so much you can do anyway.

Even though I love my part time job, I'm currently looking for another. I'd love to find some morning work in an office somewhere, so that I could still keep my shifts at the youth center. It wasn't my plan to really stay so long and I wanted a full time job, but I've not had much look and I guess I've become to comfy where I am. But I want to move out and get a car and the only way to really do that is to save up and I need more money to do that. So, I'm on the look out again and hopefully, I'll find something soon enough.

The issue is that job hunting doesn't get any easier really. I find it takes up so much time and it's tiring. Being on sites like Linked In and signing up to temp and agencies does make it easier, but it's putting in all the leg work and the fact I don't get many replies triggers my depression. A few weeks back I had a phone call and I was headhunted for this job as a research at a recruitment center. But the interview was cancelled the evening before because the guy said on reflection I didn't sound confident enough and that totally didn't make any sense to me. Also he wanted to hand in my notice that day before I had the interview so he could hire me the next day! That's just weird too.

In some other news, I have finally got a goal date set for my short story collection anthology release. It's going to be on Monday 1st August. This is going to be published on amazon kindle for £1. Which seems really cheap to me! It's going to be a collection of around 30 short stories from the first year of my other blog The Story Files over on Wordpress. I've been saying for ages that I'm going to do it and now I really mean it. I'll post on here when it's ready.

I so want to look at getting money from my blogs. I know its' difficult to do and most people say it's like a full time job. I've never really wanted to actually get money out of this because it me it's always been my space to just out pour, but it'd be great to get some else in return for writing now. Speaking of that and blogs.....

I had a great idea for a new blog and I plan to start that up next week. My plan is to post on that blog on Fridays and it's going to be about fighting negativity and how to stay positive. This blog is different from my current two and others I've done in the past because it's going to focus on advising people. I had this idea after having a talk with my dad then seeing some self-help books work. Originally, I was just going to make a life post about it but when I started planning it out there was so much I wanted to write about that I thought I could just turn this into a new blog.

I have set a word limit of 500 words per-post because that's about the right word count to draw people in and to read it fully. I try hard to keep the word count down on here, but like I said with this being a space to out pour it can be hard to keep things short!

So, I'll let you know about that when I've sorted it all out.

Update! I've set it up and done the first post! You can check it out here; https://negativitybreakout.wordpress.com/

Lastly, I wanted to write about my future plans. Right now, I'm on a short break in Leeds with my mum. On Saturday it was actually my birthday and this trip to Leeds is apart of that. I might write about that at some point. So, I've got some books lined up for reviewing, more short stories to write, two novellas to finish and I want to get the other two short story collections for the second and third year of my blog sorted and published. I think I'll carry on with what I've been currently doing on this blog, because it seems okay, but I'm hoping my new blog takes off.

Thanks for reading and please stay posted for some updates on all of this stuff soon!


My other blog: https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/


Images from https://pixabay.com

February Update: How I'm Coping Being Single.

Hi Readers,

Hope you all had a good weekend and week! To answer the question, I'm doing okay. I thought I'd be a lot more depressed, lonely and lacking in the motivation then I've turned out to be. But I guess that's in part because I've willed myself not to be. It's super hard because I'm going through the grieving process and even though my ex and I have had a clean break we are still trying to be friends. So far that is working out, but I wondered if in the coming months we both decided to drift and start over again. I'd love to meet someone else who was better suited to me and giving time it'll properly happen.

Right now though, I've been spending some me time and doing a few things I've been planning to do. I had this huge list in my head and though I've started on it, I've still got a lot of things planned. I think keeping busy and not spending too much time reflecting and getting upset is really helping me to get through. I agreed with my best friend that I had to do stuff that made me happy and I had to learn to love myself again. So, here's what I've spent the last few weeks enjoying and I hope that if you're feeling low at the minute you can find something here to cheer yourself up with.

Happy Book

I started this 'Happy Book' soon after a left uni. My friend give it to me and I didn't really know what to do with it as it wasn't suitable for any purpose I had. Then she told me about this memory box she had which is filled with things that made her happy and I decided to make this little notebook into my happy space. I got some quotes and memes off the internet that meant something to me or else were very positive. Some are to do with writing, others life, love, loss, moving on etc. There's also quotes from books and famous people. I scrap booked some of the pages with stickers and things to brighten them up further. 

Some of the pages have really random things on like cardboard cut outs of Adventure Time and Minecraft characters. There's also some cut up birthday cards, postcards and a poem my mum wrote that had come loose from one of her old notebooks. I've got some prayers too and then there are these plastic cards that I think came with badges or brooches. I don't remember, but I use to keep them in a jewelry box. Now they have a home in the Happy Book and they do seem to be very fitting. I've no idea where they dried flowers came from though! 

The other thing I've got is two pages for Yankee Candle labels. I really like the images on them and had a few stuck to the side of my PC tower. Then I decided it couldn't go on and so decided to put them in the Happy Book. Looking at them and remembering the smells, makes me feel happy and lets other good thoughts appear. Plus, it's a great way to remember all the melter candles I've tried out so far!  

I mainly add to the Happy Book when I'm feeling upset and low. It gives me something to focus on and reading all the positive stuff does help. I also read through it when I need a little pick me up or some inspiration. When I'm adding, I'll go on Pinterest or Google and look up whatever quotes I need, I have a running collection of them on my board now, which is very useful. I'll sort them all out into a word doc, making them as small as possible, but still readable then print them out and stick them in. I do find crafts so calming and I think that helps too. The only problem is that my little notebook is almost full now! I guess I'm going to have to find a new one soon. 

Lip Balm Collection

I've always had a little bit of a collection and addiction to lip balms. I love the smell of them more then anything. Though in winter and summer when my lips tend to be all dry and cracking, they are useful. My favorites have to be from the Body Shop because they smell so good and they had an apple candyfloss one come out at Christmas and I'm fully addicted to it. 

My mum actually got me all these for Christmas and they are a mix of small tubs and tubes. I really like the old fashioned sweet flavored ones, which remind me of the sweets I use to eat as a kid. There's also Coke Cola, Fanta and Spirit ones, which don't last long with me because I end up licking them off! My current favorite is the top one- the lemon berry blast, because it just smells so fruity. 

I'm all set for the next few years with my collection now, but no doubt I'll find more. Collecting things always makes me happy, even though I've run out of room now!   

America sweets

Whilst Christmas shopping my mum and I can across these candy cups in BM bargains. They seemed really interesting and when I opened my mine a few days after Christmas I got kinda hooked on Cow Tales! I have always liked America sweets even though they are expensive in the UK and they are not as sugar sweet as the things we have over here. I just have a very sweet tooth. 

I ate like half of the cup and it was mostly lollipops, nerds and laffy taffy. But I just knew I'd have to  get another at some point. I got lucky because when we went back to the shop for something a few weeks back they still had them and there was one that had like 6 Cow Tales in it! So now when I'm writing and need a quick burst of something I just paw through the cups and decided what to have. The gobstoppers and jawbreaks have been lasting me ages though! but that's been real useful during editing. 

So, trying something new -even if it's just as simple as snack food can also help take your mind off things and get your brain thinking other stuff.   

Chinese New Year 

Every year my family celebrates Chinese New Year, though we're never been to China nor have any Chinese relatives/friends. I think this is because it fall on my brother's birthday, which was yesterday and we kinda stick the two together and celebrate with Chinese food and sometimes going to Manchester to see the parade. This year it's just me and my parents because my brothers are busy, so we decided to switch our normal Sunday Lunch for a three course homemade Chinese meal. That meant a shopping trip to Chi Yip and a chance to get all my favorite snacks. So much for the diet!  

To be honest we only go once a year and though I know a few places that sell panda biscuits and pocky sticks / Pepero / 'stick biscuits' as I call them, I always get them from the Chinese supermarket. I love the strawberry and chocolate pandas -though they didn't have any and I had to get milk instead, but I've not seen the green tea ones before, so eating them is going to be fun! I'm going to try and spread them out over the year, but it's going to be so hard.  

Arts/crafts: Owl pouches

These cute little coin pouches popped up on my Pinterest two weeks back and I thought they'd be great to make with the kids at the youth center. It then turned out that I'd used another owl pouch pattern from this website before, though I'm not sure what happened to the one I made, but I'm sure I did do them with the kids. A part of me is thinking that maybe I never did due to the fact that I needed metal poppers and buttons. But I might made the pattern simpler and that's why I can't remember fully. 

Anyway, this one is a lot easier due to just having a slit at the top.  I thought it'd be quick to make up and great for using up all the scrap felt I'm hording. Which tuned out to be true and I had time to make my mum one too. It's going to go with the owl purse I brought her Christmas in her handbag now. I hope the kids like them and you can find them here;

http://www.dosmallthingswithlove.com/2013/09/felt-owl-pouch-free-template.html

I've got a few more patterns on my desk right now, but I'm going to leave them till the March update as this post is already feeling a bit long.

Bottled Lights

I just had to share this even though I've done a post about it before, but I just so love fairy lights in used bottles. My mum spotted this 100 red lights in BM Bargains for a £1. We talked about what we'd do with them if we got them- no way would they be used on the Christmas tree next year as we'd only just replaced the lights on it this year- but then mum suggested we put them in bottles and I said we could give it a shot. I'm so glad I did and also upset we only got two boxes of 100 lights and one of 200. They fitted perfectly into my large Morgan's bottle that I'd just finished off. I have it sit on my printer and it just lights up the corner nicely.

Poncho mum made

This is another great thing I wanted to share. My mum loves knitting and she gets this magazines which have nice patterns in. I like ponchos for sitting around the house in or when I'm writing. They are so warm, snugly and keep the cold off me. When I saw this big one I had to have it! My mum had a few problems with it and she didn't get it right a lot of the time and mostly it felt like she was undoing it more then knitting it! Finally, she got it right and I just love it. I get wrapped in it like a soft woolly blanket and I just want to go to sleep. 

I like knitting too, but having issues with words and numbers kinda stops me. I know how to cast on, cast off, knit and purl, but that's it. I like making scarfs because they are really easy! I've not knitted anything in awhile though because I've been busy, but on Friday I picked up a knitting mag that had just arrived and I saw this awesome soft toy whale. I like sea creatures and I really wanted him even though he's like 3 meters long! Somehow, I talked mum into making him and now we are going to try to knit him together! (After she's finished off another poncho she's busy making me).  

Patch eating a bone

Three weekends back, I got my dog, Patch, a bone. It's huge and is about the same length as her. I thought it'd be fun to see what she'd do with it. She's not big on bones or food that she can't fit perfectly in her mouth though. Everything has to be made smaller before she eats it and it's turning out to be the same with the bone. She was interested in it at first, but now if I'm not tearing little strips off for her she doesn't seem to want to even attempted to chew on it.

She also has a habit of hiding/burying things too. I guess this is because our other dog, Sindy, use to steal things from her and always ate them first. Then Sindy would cry and we'd think that Patch had stolen her treats when really Sindy had already eaten her's and just wanted more. So, Patch would try to hide stuff for later. I don't think it really worked. Now, she's by herself Patch still buries things in her blankets and we are forever finding dog biscuits in the living room.

Something tells me this bone will never get ate. It's very rare we give her such things anyway- mainly because she doesn't eat them! She seems to enjoy snuggling up to it though.  

Reward Chart

So, I had this idea to try and help me do some more exercise and stay focused on it which was to go back to basics and get a reward/star chat online. I thought if I could set out my goals and give myself the promise of a small reward (I choice the Assassination Classroom manga books because I really want to start reading them) that I might feel better about the whole trying to loose weight thing. I've always been big and my weight hasn't seemed to bother me that much, though there have been times when I've wanted to be slim. I thought now that I'm trying to love me more I should try harder with this, but doing the whole diet thing doesn't work with me.

You see, when I tell myself I can't have something, I want it more and more and then I have to give in because I get so worked up and everything over being denied it. Then I eat it, feel guilty and give up on the diet. So, this time I decided not to do that and instead focus on just doing some exercise and thinking more about that. The reward chat was kinda working till it bugged. I can't click the box to add a star and the screen is displaying wrong. I think I might have to look for another, but I already know I'm not going to meet all the goals I set down. 

I've not done an hour walking or gone swimming last week, so I'll have to double up at some point. Luckily, though I got on this fitness program thing and soon I'll join the gym and the swimming pool be able to go whenever I like. I love swimming. Not so much the gym though, but my mum and I have agreed to go together and help each other out. 

Currently reading: Angelfall trilogy

I'm busy reading a young adult dystopia trilogy at the minute. I won't go into too much detail though because I've decided to review them with the first book being looked at next Monday. I enjoyed the first one and got really into it. I just hope the other two are as good and I'll be reviewing them in the following Mondays. 

I've also been tidying my room today and sorting out my books. I have so many and I feel bad when I have to get rid of them, but some of them I'm just not going to read. I've a load on my pile right now, so at least I'll always have book reviews to write on this blog. 

Viva Pinata game play

Lastly, this is my new addiction. My ex got this game as part of a box set I brought him for Christmas and I played it at his. Then after the break up, I decided I really needed to get this myself and I found because he'd saved the game to the Cloud that I could download my garden and carry on playing! This game is so cute and colorful, I find it really easier to play too. All you have to do is get the wild pinatas to come and live in your garden then you can breed them and make money from selling the babies. 

Of course it has it's challenges and recently I've taken to looking some stuff up online, but doesn't everyone do that for games now a days? I just find it very relaxing and it gives my mind something to focus on. There's a second one, which I do want to get, but I've got enough games to play on the Xbox 360 at the moment. 

I hope you've found reading this informative and fun. Writing it sure did help me! If you give any of this stuff ago I'd love to hear from you and please check out my other blog:    https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Images from: 

My own

http://penryn-y-el-fin-de-los-dias-la.tumblr.com/page/8

http://directdownloadstuffss.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/viva-pinata.html