April Life Update; That Drowning Feeling.

Hi readers,

I'm struggling today. I'm still not well and had to take some more time of work but I now have to look at claiming benefits again as I've used up all my sick pay. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation because I don't want to but I don't have a choice. So, I have to go through trying to put a claim in and hoping I can get some finical support.

I also have to go back to work next Saturday, even if I don't feel well enough because not going will just make this situation worse. I want to go back. I enjoy my job and working, so I will try hard to self manage my colitis. 

That isn't an easy task, it's okay to avoid the food, drink and pain relief tablets that trigger me but what my battle really is about is my anxiety and stress. Trying to keep both of them down, is currently hard for me to do as I have so many worries and now I have the money and work ones back! 

I know deep down I will get through all of this. I've done so before and it's just a rough time for me again. I have the support of a lot of people around me, though I know today doesn't feel like that's the case but it's very much true. 

I'm also real lucky that I still live with my parents and don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills etc. I have some emergency money savings which can see me through till this month's payday, so as long as I don't actually buy anything for the next few weeks I'll be fine. So, I'm going to try and not worry about that all too much.

I've used some of those savings today to pay for my car tax and MOT. As my car was due both and the last thing I need is to be worrying about losing my car. My dad will make sure my car passes the MOT test, so I don't need to worry about that, just got to let him do some work on things this weekend to make that a positive pass as much as possible. 

So, now I just have to try and sent all this side and focus on other things. I know that's easily said then done! But I know that spending time over worrying, being upset, depressed and anxious won't get me anywhere or make anything better. Acting and trying to solve my issues with a calm mind and heart is the best way to go. 

Trying to stay positive has always been a hard thing for me to do. I like to think I'm a positive, happy person but that's not actually the case. I make myself like that because that's how I think I should be. I'm sure some of you also do that. Being negative and unhappy is a lot easier to do and people noticed that a lot more too. 

I do feel a bit like I'm drowning at the moment. It's like being on a boat in a storm and being thrown overboard. I'm struggling to save myself from the crushing waves and I know only I can really do that. Other people might be throwing the life ring out for me but it's up to me to grab it and hang on. 

So, what I do I do when I'm in this situation? Normally, I do have a break down. I cry lot and wonder over so much. I talk to people - my parents, boyfriend, some friends and just let everything out to them and try to listen to whatever advice they give me. Which can be hard as sometimes I don't want that but afterwards, it kinda useful to think about their suggestions and maybe act on them. 

I do lots of writing - in my diary, reflectively and though it can be hard, short stories. I can let everything out and I don't have to show my writing to anyone and I can just release all my thoughts and feelings on to paper and then it doesn't go around in my head. Actually, I do have a big focus this month as it's the A-Z Blogging Challenge! I'm wring a short story everyday prompted by words that are new to me. You can check it out on my other blog here; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

One of the other things I do is blast some heavy metal music and sing along. It's really get way to de-stress and just release all my emotions. Sometimes I'm too ill or not in the mood for this, so finding the right moment sometimes has to wait. But by taking the hours to do this, it's worth it as I often feel so much better afterwards and like I'm rising above everything that's getting me down. 

I have lots of bands and songs, I cycle through but I always return to these favourite bands; Disciple, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Iron Maiden, Drowning Pool, Bullet For My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon and Soil. All their songs speak to my soul and find a peace in the lyrics that I don't get anywhere else. 

The other thing I do to feel more positive and really I need to do more of this as I've found it can help lot and also change my mind set, is to get my Happy Books out. I think I've wrote about this before but briefly, a friend got me a notebook that had Happy Book on it and I decided to collect quotes and memes and imagines that made me happy inside the book. When I filled it, I went and brought this artist's A4 book to continue doing this. 

The front cover is a temporary thing until I get around to making one.      

I used Pinterest to help find things that make me happy and this can just be anything. I put this into a document, print them, cut them and stick them in the book. This helps focus my mind and also soak up some positive thinking. Here's an example of this; 

Recently, I have also turned to knitting and that helps me get through too. I was going to add to the end of this post about my recently finished knitting and my current projects but this post is all ready too long as I'll leave it like this now. 

I hope that things do get sorted for me soon and that things can change. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out my other blog. 

(Photos my own).

Flashback To February Life Update; Snow and Valentine's Day!

Hi readers,

I started writing this blog post before I got really sick, so I'm not doing any editing and posting as I wrote it back in early February.

I want to say I'm glad January is over but winter is still here! It does snow in the Manchester, England area where I live but as I am in-between areas of higher grounds those towns normally get it first and I don't get to see that much snow.

These last few weeks, there has been two separate bouts of snowfall during day and night time. The first of these, the snow fell then soon melted, the second time the snow got iced over during the night and there small piles for two or three days. The rest of the week is looking clear, so I'm not sure if we'll get anymore now.

I'm sort of torn over my feels about snow; I love the way it makes everything look but I hate the issues it causes. Now I drive a car - almost my 3rd year now- I find that snow, ice and freezing fog are high on the danger list for weather conditions to drive in. I've been lucky so far that I've been okay driving in those and all kinds of other weather. It's something you get use to and more experience with. I am also getting to know when not to risk driving as of it the snow hasn't been that deep or icy but it's something to watch out for.

Luckily, most of the snow is staying away and it's not lasting that long when it does fall and freeze. 

I do think snow has this thing about it that makes everything more pretty and magical, I guess all those snowy Christmas imagines that have set this in my mind. The garden looks transformed into something different at the minute which is interesting to look out at. It's not so good for the animals - especially the birds, so we've been putting out extra food.

Also, my dog Patch isn't a fan of the snow. I'm not sure if because it's cold and damp/wet and reminds her of rain which she hates or if she's just not use to it. She'll play in a little dusting but anything deeper and she doesn't like even sticking her nose outside! 

To be honest though, I think she does have the right idea! I'm not a fan of the freezing cold myself and snow days are really just perfect for curling up inside on the sofa or bed with a huge book to read and supply of hot drinks and snacks.

Valentine's Day!

This Valentine's Day, my boyfriend and I didn't make any plans, partly because he was at work and I've not been feeling well these last few weeks. I just want over to his and he made us dinner which was a chicken tray bake. He's not good at cooking as I really appreciate him making the effort. It tasted really nice. We did go out to a garden centre which I really like going too and he brought me a cactus! It's so cute and looks like it's heart shaped.  

For anybody who knows me, I love cacti, I have a collection and bit of an obsession! I like each one I own to be different, so this one fits right in as I don't have one like this! And it's extra special as it was a present from my boyfriend. 

He also got me this unicorn kitty and amethyst bracelet which has a tree of life charm on it - below. I got him a t-shirt, a wall sign about Star Wars heroes, and key ring jigsaw pieces which had two fitting halves with matching sayings on. I let him pick which one he wanted and I kept the other. On my house keys now, so I don't forget. 

So, a quiet Valentine's this year but it's been just as special.    

Lastly and this doesn't connect with Valentine's as we have been planning this for awhile now, in June we are off to London to visit the Harry Potter Studio Tour! 

I'm really excited, even more so now I've seen the tickets! We meant to go from my 30th Birthday last July but we went to Cornwall instead. This year we are going for our 3rd anniversary and it's going to be so good! We have planned other things to do in London as well as it's going to be a full half a week of exploring places.    

You can bet I'll be writing all about that in June. For now though, here's to the end of winter and the being of Spring. See you next time.  

(All photos belong to me)

   

March Life Update: White Scar Cave.

Hi readers,

I've been meaning to write for the past few weeks and then just not getting around to it! I've like three books I want to review on here too, so I really need to start that. Plus, I'm still job hunting and getting no where, though I'm sure you are all tried of hearing about that! Today, I thought I'd share with you my trip to a cave that I took with my boyfriend. He's really into them but it's been awhile since either of us visited any!

White Scar Cave is in the Yorkshire Dales next to a village called Ingleton. It was just over an hour's drive from my boyfriend's house in the Preston area. I was the driver for the day as he's not had any motorway experience yet but it was mostly countryside roads anyway which I've had nearly any experience off, whilst he - because he actually lives in the countryside, is kinda use to it. I was little scared but I did okay! Even when the SatNav took us along this single track, farmer's road and I almost ran over a dog that was sat on top of a hill on a blind bend!

We made it fine to the caves and back again though! And I got some more driving experience though, I really could do with some more countryside driving now! Sounds like some more trips to Yorkshire might be in the planning for the months ahead then. 

White Scar Cave has guided tours every hour, so you can't access the caves by yourself. I don't think you'd want to anyway, not because it's easy to get lost - it's a one track trail, but because the ceiling is really low and the sections of the cave do flood. You follow a natural fast flowing small river though the caves which was how it was first discovered. Walking above the river, you first go down then up into a really large area. You have to wear a helmet at all times due to the low and pointy ceiling. Here's my boyfriend and I modeling these nice red ones!

The tour is an hour and 20 minutes with the walk a mile and bit. There are a few different chambers to enter and lots of things to see. They had labeled some of the most interesting stalagmites and stalactites as well as other features. Here's a photo of the information map.    

The first thing we saw in the cave was this really loud waterfall! I've always liked waterfalls and this one was really cool. 

The Witch's Fingers and the Judge's Head below were pretty interesting to look at. It's weird to think there's are naturally created over time. 

This was the second free flowing waterfall further inside the caves. There was only a small spot at the side to walk passed if you didn't want to get wet! All the other waterfalls were going down the sides of the cave and not over like this one and the first one. 

This feature is called the Devil's Tongue. Water was dripping off it and there was little choice but to try and walk under without getting wet! The guide said if you did get dripped on it was seven years bad luck! We just about avoided it, I think.

After almost crawling though a really low section and going up almost 100 steps we made it the Battlefield cavern. Here there were a lot of stalactites, an ice age rockfall and a prehistoric mud floor. 

Just past that was this huge and really tall area. There were changing lights along the walls which made it so pretty. The guide said that cave explores had been in this area looking for another way into the cave as there's only one so far and it would be good to have another. It's also one of the deepest points underground too. At Christmas time, they have a Santa sitting here who gives out presents to the kids. - Sounds a really strange way to see Santa to me!

This is one of the upper tunnels which has been explored. People say they can see the outline of a woman's face on the left side of the image. The guide said she was know as The Witch. Below her at the bottom is the shape of her cat. 

We had a great time exploring White Scar caves and there was a lot to wow over. Afterwards we visited the cafe and had lunch. Then we went to the shop which was packed full of cool things. I brought some postcards, crystal animals, a piece of amethyst and an eraser for my collection. My boyfriend surprised me with a cute wooden bat keyring he'd brought whilst I wasn't looking! I'd not even seen those key rings, so it made it even more of a surprise!

If you are in the are then these caves are with the visit!


Since I've not blogged in awhile, I wanted to share two more things today. Firstly, there's been a lot of snowy weather in England recently. It does snow here, but it's been awhile since it's been this bad! I've not been enjoying it that much due to ill health. But I do love that magic feel snow can create. This is a photo of my back gardening, showing how much snow we had over one night. 

Then these are awesome icicles hanging off the kitchen window. Been an age since I last saw anything like this! They were really big too. 

And this is my dog, Patch. It's taken her sometime to get use to the snow but now she loves running and playing in it. 

Best though, she loves coming home and getting all warm and snuggled in her jumper and bed! I totally agree with her there.

I'm glad it spring has finally arrived now and I was hoping we'd seen an end to the snow. But it looks like we might get some more over Easter now! so maybe winter isn't just finished yet.

On another note, I'm currently reading the Harry Potter books again! It's been ages since I last read them. Probably, when the last book came out 2007 but then I might have read the third on again a few years later - that's always been my favorite! From my memory though, I've only read the last three books once. The other 4 I've read at least 3 or 4 times. It'll also be interesting to read them one after the other too.

Last night, I finished the first and started the second! I'm not sure if I'll do a review of them yet. Perhaps, I'll do one of the all together when I'm done.   

Thanks for much reading. Here's hoping I can get those book reviews up soon!

Please check out my other blog; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/ I'm taking part in the A-Z Challenge next week!

(Please note; all photos belong to me. Please don't use them.)

May Update Part 2 : Why are people so mean to each other?

Hi readers,

I'm slotting in another update post this month as something has been on my mind and I wanted to share it with you all.

Last week, I was walking quickly down the street to work and as I passed a queue of cars waiting at the traffic lights, a male passenger in one of the cars lend out of a window and shouted at me 'how you doing, Fatty?'

My feet slowed, I stared at him, my expression become a mixture of shock, upset and anger. I ran through everything I could respond to that in my head. I was on the edge of telling him to 'F off,' but then I walked past. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him laughing with his mates then the car drove off.

What he said stayed with me but I had to put it out of my mind to concentrate on working. Reception was tough that night as I'd had to switch my day shift to a night shift as the other receptionist had phoned in sick. It was a junior session too and they are always so much hard work! I got through it but those words still stuck with me.

I keep thinking of all the things I should have said and how I could've turned that conversion around. I could have shocked him by answering calmly back, by making a joke of it, laughing at him. You know? All those things you think about afterwards. Of course, if I'd gone the other way and turned aggressive towards him, he might have said more hurtful things. Maybe, even taking it further. So, maybe it was a good job I walked away.

There's no way I'm letting that get to me. I've been called worse things. Strangers judge you in a few seconds and act upon what they see. So, there's no way that man could've know that for the last 10 years I've been battling a long term health condition that some days affects me so badly that I can't leave my house. It's the main reason why I struggle to control my weight. Luckily, my new drug is controlling things enough that I've now started losing weight again and I do want to keep trying.

In contrasted to this, at work I don't let anyone disrespect me. If a young person is rude to me or says something I don't like, I address it fast. I follow the guide I got in my training and stick by the rules. The youth centre is like school in that respect, we don't take any misbehaving from anyone and we try to teach the young people why it's wrong and they can become more respectful.

I have a new motto; like water of a duck's back. To try help shrug it off. But it seems to have lingered still and it got me thinking, why is it easier to be bad then to being good?

I thought I'd look into it. I remember at some point hearing it was easier to be bad because it takes up less energy and thinking time whilst if you are good then it uses up more energy and more thinking. It's the same with smiling and frowning; you use more face muscles to smile and a lot less for frowning. 

In religion, it comes across as being easy to sin. Think of Eve eating the forbidden fruit, tempting Adam to try it too and God banishing them both out of Eden. It's harder to stay good and follow the book and church even though religious people know that's what they should be doing. However, getting rid of sins/badness comes across as being simple; pray for forgiveness. 

Having a negative mind goes along aside this. It's easy to be unmotivated and lazy. It takes a lot to do activities, even if they are hobbies we like. Staying positive can be really hard to do - I for one know that really well! Remember the last life update post? There are much more benefits to staying positive though, like achieving in life, love and career. 

There's so many scientific and religious theories/information out there too. So, far I've not found truth to my first thought; energy usage. I've concluded it would take too much time for this post if I did try to find it! What I can say though is that it is easier to be bad then good for many different reasons. Some people say it's because it feels better emotionally and mentally to be bad then it does to be good, even though it seems we get the same 'high' when we are nice and helpful to people. 

Getting back to what I opened this post with, to round things off and make it a positive ending, on a total opposite spin to being insulted, later that night my wonderful boyfriend texted me and told me I was beautiful. He really likes my body and understands all my issues which helps a lot. He often calls me beautiful, sexy and hot with a lot of meaning. It's a total boost to my confidence and reminds me that there are people out there who do find me attractive.   

So, in conclusion for this post just remember that no matter what 

Thanks for reading!


Research links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-good-and-evil/201405/why-is-it-easier-organize-evil-good

http://thoughtfulreading.com/psychology/good-people-vs-bad-people/

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/four-ways-topple-negativity-bias-0114137/

May Life Update: My First Car

Hi readers!

Well, Saturday marked a big life achievement for me as I brought my first car! I'm still a mix of feelings and thoughts right now, so much so that sometimes I'll just go to the front door and look out at my car. I still can't believe it belongs to me now. It's the most expensive thing I've ever owned but it's going to become one of the best!

I'm currently learning to drive all over again. It's been about a year and a half since I last drove. I got very ill and the medication I was on meant I couldn't drive. Now, though I'm much better and with more money in the bank, I thought it was time to plunged through all my fears and go ahead.

I saw this car online and it ticked all the boxes, so I thought why not go to see it? When I got there a weekend ago now and saw it for the first time I really liked it but I wasn't sure it was for me. Then the second car I want to see, made up my mind and I decided to just go with it! This fact as totally not sank in yet and it's going to take a few months I think.

Its an automatic which is far easier for me to drive. I learnt in a manual but struggled with the gears and clutch. That is the other reason I'm having to re-learn because it's a different feel and actions to do things. I'm really struggling with reversing right now because it's all done on the brake but sometimes that can actually stop the car if you move your foot too much off. Parking forward I can do but reverse parking is a total no. So, I need the practise real bad.

My parents and boyfriend have been super supportive and have come out with me a few times now. I need to go by myself, but I just don't feel ready yet. Driving to work is so easy though because it's 15 minutes up the road with only a few traffic lights and then a left and right turn into a supermarket car park. (Work doesn't have a car park!) I shall get there at my own pace and I'll do what's right for me.

I also need more motorway practise. I did have some after passing my test, but more is needed now. I'm only going to do that when I'm happy with my driving though. My mum thinks I'm doing great and I need to give myself ore credit then I have been doing. I've been telling myself off for small mistakes, like not indicating early enough, not slowing down gently enough, not looking in my mirrors enough and not being aware of coming cars on roundabouts. I know though, after more practise that these things will go.

So for now I've just got to keep going!

Also, I finally finished making my bear cushion! It's taken what feels like an age but it's been about 2-3 months to knit him. He's turned out great! My next knitting project is another bear cushion! It's going to be bigger and softer and meant to go with a blanket my mum made, but I don't think that's going to happened!

Thanks for reading and next week hopefully, it'll be a book review!

April Life Update: Where have I been?

Hi readers,

So I didn't stick to my plan of blog posts. This is for a few reasons. I've been really busy with my other blog and work. I've three jobs now, just in case you didn't know! So, I'm working 6 days a week then juggling my family, friends, boyfriend and writing. Which means that things have been slipping.

I also have a back log of books to review, so I need get writing that up too! When I find the time.... Some of the books I'm going to group together though because it'll be easier. So, in the next two months I plan to have reviews about: JoJo's Bizarre Adventures, Vampire + Rosario, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, The Sookie Stackhouse/ True Blood series and Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman. Then I'l have caught up on book reviews!

I really wanted to get this post up this week, despite all my business because I wanted to share the good news that I've brought a car! My first car and it's so cool. I'm picking up in a few days time and then I want to do some posts about driving.

There's also a few other things I wanted to share, but they'll have to wait for next week now, because I didn't take any photos. I so need to do that soon.

Hopefully, I can now start finding the time to write more of this blog. I think my other blog has taken over with the A-Z Challenge! That's worth checking out, here's the link: https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

That's it for now. Time to work on some reviews. Thanks for reading! 

Leeds Steampunk Market and Christkindlmarkt

Hi readers,

I'm slotting this post in before my first December update to bring you my day trip out to Leeds! Though to be honest I'm feeling really tired and I just want to snuggle in bed with a book. The weather has been rough today- very windy and rainy. Driving on the motorway was difficult (I didn't drive by the way, not insured yet) and scary as the wind was really blowing the car around. My actually day out was good though, but I didn't get to visit the cemetery and the Thackray museum still scares me. It's dedicated to the history of medicine, hospitals, doctors, nurses and patients, which for someone who has a big issues and a slight phobia of hospitals and medical stuff isn't good.

The Steampunk market made it worth it though! If you don't know anything about Steampunk here's a post I did on it awhile back; http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/steampunk-introduction-to-genre.html I've written about Steampunk and the market at the mill before. It was from there that I found out the Leeds one was worth a visit. They have four throughout the year and this was the last one for 2015. There was a lot of interesting stalls, a few of which didn't seem that steampunky to me, but I enjoyed seeing things I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else, like for example the guy who made robots out of recycled metal things and give them each a background story, he could even make a personalised ones.

There were some stalls selling clothes, which I always love looking at even though I can't fit in anything and it's expensive. I didn't go dressed up by the way. The hour traveling and the fact I wanted to be warm and comfy for the day saw to that. I've got a picture of me dressed up from the Mill market though. I was actually just looking for my post about the Mill and I can't seem to find it. I'm sure I did one though!

There were a lot of stalls selling jewelry, most of which was of course Steampunk and fantasy styled. I didn't see anything I really liked though, other then different versions of a pendent which my best friend had actually brought me for Christmas! I saw the dragon love necklace my boyfriend got me for our first year together. I'm excited to see what he's got me from Christmas at the moment. There were hats stall too and I so would love a hat, but I don't have a lot of things to wear one too!

There was also a glass etched stand, which had some cool designs printed on the beer glasses. There was a woman selling fairy like wings and other stuff, who had a pet skunk. I've don't think I've seen one in real life before and I do have to admit I thought it was fake the first time I saw it! Someone else was selling old army uniforms for reenactors and there was this man who made like Victorian style props. My mum brought this device which is meant to turn people having a secret conversations in a public place invisible! She said it'd be handy in the office and also she liked the flashing lights.  

I meet three authors who were selling their own published books. I connect with two of these and brought their books. I also told them about my blog and writings. I feel inspired to put together that collection of short stories I keep saying I'm going to do and have another go at trying to actually earn some money from my stories. Both of their books seems interesting and I've added them to the review list, though it won't be till next year now. I've got the second book of The Bone Season and another book to read first before anything else.  

There were two other stalls my mum and I got things off. The first was a beauty/bath one that was all like home made things. I got some cooling liniment for my back (I pulled a muscle last weekend and I'm still in pain) It smells like mint and I put some on before I sat down and it does seemed to have helped! I got some chocolate sugar lip scrub, mainly because it was in the sale items and I've always wanted to try some. The ones at Lush are too expensive and I've not got the time to make my own, though I've read it's very simple. Anyway, this one was really nice and my lips do feel better, less dry and chapped. I also got an apple and cinnamon scented bath fizz which also has popping candy in it. That smells so nice and reminds me of autumn - which I'm missing already! My mum got a few others things; a mint lip scrub, some massage oil and lavender oil. I picked up a card too and so in the future we can order more things. Here's a photo;

The other stall we got stuff off was a mixture of little gift like things. To be honest I can't remember what else was on it because I was so distracted by the clay dragons. There were four different sizes, lots of colors and characters. I picked out a large blue one for mum because I liked the fairy style wings and he seemed like a dragon with attitude. I picked out a light purple one then a darker baby one to go with it. Mum got the other two small ones, because they need friends! They are so cute though and I've got mine on my desk right now. The photo really doesn't show their full cuteness! 

I got everyone's business card too. I've included the links at then end if anyone fancies checking then out.

  

We then left and drove a few minutes into the Leed's center. There we walked around the Christkindlmarkt or German Market. The wind and rain picked up when we arrived though, but the market was only small and in one area - unlike the Manchester Christmas market and I do plan to write about that when I go maybe next weekend of the one after. The place was more packed then the Steampunk market had been and as the afternoon got later more people arrived. We didn't buy anything other then some hot potato cakes/ rostis to share. Mum was tempted by a dragon which when you burnt an incest stick inside let the smoke escape out of his nose and mouth, but it was expensive and we don't have anywhere to really put it.

I did try to take some photos, but the weather, the dying light and the horde of people made it hard. I always end up feeling embarrassed too. I'm not sure why when people use their phone cameras and selfie sticks, because it's not like my camera is that big anyway. I don't know, maybe because I've been told off before and I really don't like that. I'll have to try harder at the Manchester one if I go.

So that was my day. What have you been doing today? Let me know in the comments and add anything else you want me to see in there too. I reply back to everyone, so don't be shy. Come back Monday for my Update post and please check out The Story Files. Thanks for reading.


Links:
https://www.facebook.com/thestoryfiles/
http://www.thackraymedicalmuseum.co.uk/
http://www.leedssteampunkmarket.co.uk/
https://www.facebook.com/CraigHallamAuthor/?fref=ts
http://carliemartece.com/
http://www.bimble.eu/
http://www.beckettstreetcemetery.org.uk/

Photos;
Google maps
All my own.