June Life Update; From My Bed

Hi Readers,

I'm ill in bed. I'm having a flare up of my IBS and it's making me feel like I've got a bad stomach bug. I'm not sure what's set it off but I've not been that careful about what I've been eating over the last few days. It's been hard because I've been working every day since Thursday - covering for the second receptionist it, my normal shifted then an extra one on Sunday I got asked to do. Also, I didn't have a date with my boyfriend and that's made me feel a bit lonely too.

I've not done much today though things seemed to be improving this evening, so I've just written two short stories for my blog and now I'm here writing this for a bit. Then I'll have to try and got to sleep but it's so hard when you need the loo all the time! I keep thinking I should write a separate blog about all of this but I've just not got around to it.

Anyway, I ordered three new books of Amazon two weeks ago now and they've been added to my reading pile, though I'm currently reading Red Queen right now. I only ended up getting them because Montenegro had been reduced to £3, odd from £14.99 and it's been on my to buy list for over a year now. It's the second book of a strange vampire series and I liked the first so getting the second was needed. But it's so expensive, so I had wait for a reductions and who could argue with that one? Then I ended up with the other two books because I didn't want to pay shipping!

I really wanted to read Red Queen as the first book Alice was so good. I so needed to do a review about it on here! Might do a combined one now though. Reading had helped me though much of the day and watching TV too.

I've also been flipping through this; my dad's guide to Cornwall as it were. We go away in about 4 weeks and my dad has put together this file of places to go, eat and shop etc. We all got to pick what we wanted to do and not wanted to do before hand and this is the print out with his notes. There's lots of cool places to visit like castles, manor house, museums, towns and beaches. Really can't wait for that as I love Cornwall a lot. Plus, my boyfriend is coming and I get to share the adventure with him. 

You can expect a blog post all about that real soon. Might have to divided into two parts as I know it's going to be a long one!

My dog has been really sleepy and wanted to snug into everything lately. Her favorite place is on the sofa in all the blankets. She also likes to bury her bones behind the cushions were my dad normally sits. We joke she is giving him presents as the pack leader! It's really funny when he sits on one though! 

It's days like today that make me super glad of my dog though, because I know I can pet her and she'll make me feel calm and I can tell her anything and she won't judge me for being ill. She's helped keep me going today. 

I wanted to share this last time I wrote but I couldn't fit it in that blog post. I've been busy making some baby things for my best friend who's going to have a little girl soon. I'm mostly done with knitting the things I wanted to make for her now and with some wool left over I wanted to start knitting my own stuff for that hopeful one day. 

I made this blanket but I wasn't happy with the shape. I'd asked my mum how many stitches and she said 50 but really I wanted 60. I was half temped to just unravel it and start again. The wool is chunky and soft and takes no time to knit but then I decided to keep it as maybe I could give it to one of my sister- in- laws or another friend some day. 

Now, I've got some more wool of the same kind but in a different shade; purple, blue and yellow mix which I really like and have made a teddy bear pillow out of in the past. I'm going to make a larger blanket and mum is going to make a hood to go with it. That should be really nice. 

I like knitting as it's nice to do whilst watching TV, I find sometimes, I can't just sit there, I wanted to do something and this is perfect for that. It keeps me busy when I'm ill and chilled too but I've not been able to focus to do any today. Might try tomorrow though. 

I've gotten into adult coloring big style and this is my current favorite magazine. How fitting that it's filled this month with two of my favorite animals - wolves and bears who are also my spirit animals. It made me really happy to see it on the super market shelf! 

This is another thing I like to do when I'm ill, bored or need to calm down. Though as much as I wanted too, I've not started on this one yet. Like knitting I need more focus then I've had today but soon I'll start and maybe I'll post some photos on here. 

In a slight connect to that, I've hung a dream catcher above my bed again. There was a prompt for a short story that had the imagine of one and I wrote a story that can be read on my other blog with it. I got reminded about how dream catchers are meant to capture the nightmares and since I've been having a few bad dreams/ nightmares lately including one were I was chocking to death and then woke up with asthma attack. 

I like to think of this dream catcher as being powerful because it has the wolf painting on it. Since I hung it up I've not had any nightmares and only one bad- ish dream. So maybe dream catches do work after all? Or maybe it's my belief that it will. Whatever it is, I hope it carries on and I can have more restful nights. 

That's it really for today or this night as it now is! I'm off to try and sleep a bit and hopefully feel better in the morning. Here's a cute photo of my snug teddies for tonight; Fifi fox and Astrid unicorn. They are so soft and comforting!  

Thanks for reading, see you next time. 

All photos used belong to me. 

April Life Update; Being Anemic.

Hi readers,

This is a quick post today. So, I've not been feeling great these past few weeks, I've had a bad head cold and then in infection in my leg. I've been blaming my tiredness and lack of motivation on those. Plus, my addiction to reading Harry Potter as also meant I've had little wanting to do anything else. 

Yesterday, I had my 4 monthly hospital appointment for my long term health condition and though all my blood results looked good, my iron level didn't. It's something I've struggled with over the years and normally the doctor puts me on a course of iron tablets and that helps. 

I've started to notice the signs myself over the last few years; the feeling of having a cold that never really develops, being tried and having no energy even after an okay night's sleep, not wanting to do much or not being able to decided what I want to do then just giving up on everything. then I take a few iron and multi-vitamin tablets and I improve again.

This time though it's super low, boarding on the worst it's been. So, the doctor said I had to have an iron transfusion. Which should help and then I can stop feeling so tried and unmotivated. I have to go into hospital to have it done. I have a fear that's a boarder line phobia of everything to do with hospitals. I don't like tablets or needles but it's not a phobia of them, I just think it's because I've only had a few good experiences of being in hospitals and all those bad experiences make me very nervous. 

Hopefully, I can have it done at another hospital where I've had good experiences and the nurses there are much nicer. In any case, it's just another thing I've to get through. 

On another note, I still have two book reviews I want to write at some point and of course my overall review of the Harry Potter books. I just finished book 4, so got another 3 to go. I'm really flying through them, so should have them all read by the end of the month now. It's just good to have something, easy to read and get swept into right now!

That's all I can write for the moment. Thanks for reading and hopefully, I'll be back to normal soon.  

August Life Update; Flash back to July part 2. Birmingham bear hunt and London trip

Hi readers,

In July, I went to Birmingham for a night and a day then on to London for two days and two nights. I had visited Birmingham before a few years back whilst on a canal boat holiday and stopped in what's known as the Birmingham basin. This time, I stayed in the city center and I had a really good time. Currently, they have this bear statue hunt on and there's like over 200 bear statues and some little bears to find. I had great fun doing this and it also helped me navigate about the town center. My favorite bear has to be the first one I found; Shakesbear.  

Around the church yard there were lots and I spent time taking photos and looking at the gravestones. It was a nice place to chill. I went inside the church too and saw the pretty stained glass windows.

My favorite bears here where Peony the panda and this love hearted one. There was also a jungle bear and a metal bear called Snowy.

 I then went over to the art gallery and museum which I'd picked to spend the afternoon in. On the way I found some more bears! This moon and star one is so cute.

Everyone loves the Spock bear.

My favorite in this section had to by Olly bear because he was so funny. Lots of people wanted their photo with him.

It was also at this point I helped someone to find a bear. I had a printed out map but it made it easier as I had already seen and taken a photo of the bear she wanted to see. Later, I picked up a real map from the train station and discovered the locations of all the bears!

I also liked this bear with a northern lights theme. Then I went on to the art gallery and museum. They had a lot of the little bears there and I too far too many photos to post up here. I looked round and did enjoy it, but with the weather being so nice and the wanting to find other bears, I left early.

The bear who cares a lot was the first bear on my list but I didn't find her until we had got back to the train station. She was the last bear I found because we then had to leave for London. I did so want to stay and look for other bears though!

I had a good wander around Birmingham city center and I really enjoyed it. There was lots of shops and people, who were all interesting to watch. I found a cool Japan shop and brought some presents for myself and my boyfriend. I found this like hidden cathedral and this cool waterfall, which the water falls over a poem about the city and it's really interesting to watch. I'll miss Birmingham and hopefully I can go back someday. 

London

Next came two nights and two days in London. Sadly, I wasn't feeling well and choice the first day just to stay close to the hotel which was in Blackfriars, so I just had a wander around there. I walked alongside the Thames and I saw the Eye. I've been on it a few years ago and I saw some of the bridges and some boats. It was a nice walk under lots of trees. 

Then, just wondering about, I found St. Bride's church. I think I'd past it last time I was in London but this time I decided to check it out. It's really small and pretty. The old woman at the desk was so nice and happy too. I went down to see the crypt which had some buried headstones inside of it. No one actually knew about the crypt and foundations until the a second world war bomb hit the church. Then they found that it dated back a long time.

This is like a underground chapel that's just off the main crypt. It was really quiet and cool down here. I took a few moments to chill out.

From there I went to St. Paul's and had a walk around the gardens which I'd missed last time. I also saw and went on the Millennium bridge which felt a bit weird crossing. I only went like half way because I had no reason to cross to the other side.  

View of St. Paul's from Millennium Bridge. 

The next day, I was feeling worse, but I couldn't stay in the the hotel as we'd checked out. I went to see The Temple church which wasn't far away. Though I did get lost and had to ask a doorman where it was. There are lots of doorman in London and they may seem scary but they are actually nice and helpful.

You have to pay to get into The Temple church, but its' worth it. Inside is really nice and bright, it's quiet expect from when a load of tourists come in! They had lots of history information up but I was distracted by the knight statues. It actually took me a good few minutes to figure out this was the Knight's Templar church! You can go to the first floor and look down which gives a nice view of the structure of the tower.

There's lots of knights and other important people statues. There are like from the 1300 and have worn a bit. I found that there wasn't much information about them and some of the statues haven't been identified! There are some memory stones too and it was interesting to read some of them.

The Templar's have a thing about Pegasus, I saw a lot whilst I was there in all the designs of the floor and hangings. There was also one in a stained glass window. I should have asked what it meant, but I forgot.  

I also liked all these little faces which came out of the sides of the tower. These two were like the cheekiest as most were sensible. They made me laugh though.  

I also liked all the old Bibles, prayer and hymn books there were in the pews. I took some cool photos of them. This one is my favorite though. 

Temple Church is really nice and if you want to escape the busy flow of London It's a good place to just sit and chill. Though I'd prefer St. Bride's as it's less busy with tourists.

You can't get into the gardens, even though I wanted to. I had to make do with the courtyard. It was nice with this water fountain, though it was really loud. I read my book for a bit and then had to go back to the place my mum was at because I still wasn't feeling great.

I wished I'd been better and bale to travel around London more. There's so much more I want to see there. Maybe next year when I hopefully go for my birthday.

That's all for now anyway. I'm off to Sweden on Thursday, so my next post will be all about that. In the meantime please check out my other blog; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/ I write a new shor story everyday on there.

Thanks for reading and see you soon!

May Update Part 2 : Why are people so mean to each other?

Hi readers,

I'm slotting in another update post this month as something has been on my mind and I wanted to share it with you all.

Last week, I was walking quickly down the street to work and as I passed a queue of cars waiting at the traffic lights, a male passenger in one of the cars lend out of a window and shouted at me 'how you doing, Fatty?'

My feet slowed, I stared at him, my expression become a mixture of shock, upset and anger. I ran through everything I could respond to that in my head. I was on the edge of telling him to 'F off,' but then I walked past. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him laughing with his mates then the car drove off.

What he said stayed with me but I had to put it out of my mind to concentrate on working. Reception was tough that night as I'd had to switch my day shift to a night shift as the other receptionist had phoned in sick. It was a junior session too and they are always so much hard work! I got through it but those words still stuck with me.

I keep thinking of all the things I should have said and how I could've turned that conversion around. I could have shocked him by answering calmly back, by making a joke of it, laughing at him. You know? All those things you think about afterwards. Of course, if I'd gone the other way and turned aggressive towards him, he might have said more hurtful things. Maybe, even taking it further. So, maybe it was a good job I walked away.

There's no way I'm letting that get to me. I've been called worse things. Strangers judge you in a few seconds and act upon what they see. So, there's no way that man could've know that for the last 10 years I've been battling a long term health condition that some days affects me so badly that I can't leave my house. It's the main reason why I struggle to control my weight. Luckily, my new drug is controlling things enough that I've now started losing weight again and I do want to keep trying.

In contrasted to this, at work I don't let anyone disrespect me. If a young person is rude to me or says something I don't like, I address it fast. I follow the guide I got in my training and stick by the rules. The youth centre is like school in that respect, we don't take any misbehaving from anyone and we try to teach the young people why it's wrong and they can become more respectful.

I have a new motto; like water of a duck's back. To try help shrug it off. But it seems to have lingered still and it got me thinking, why is it easier to be bad then to being good?

I thought I'd look into it. I remember at some point hearing it was easier to be bad because it takes up less energy and thinking time whilst if you are good then it uses up more energy and more thinking. It's the same with smiling and frowning; you use more face muscles to smile and a lot less for frowning. 

In religion, it comes across as being easy to sin. Think of Eve eating the forbidden fruit, tempting Adam to try it too and God banishing them both out of Eden. It's harder to stay good and follow the book and church even though religious people know that's what they should be doing. However, getting rid of sins/badness comes across as being simple; pray for forgiveness. 

Having a negative mind goes along aside this. It's easy to be unmotivated and lazy. It takes a lot to do activities, even if they are hobbies we like. Staying positive can be really hard to do - I for one know that really well! Remember the last life update post? There are much more benefits to staying positive though, like achieving in life, love and career. 

There's so many scientific and religious theories/information out there too. So, far I've not found truth to my first thought; energy usage. I've concluded it would take too much time for this post if I did try to find it! What I can say though is that it is easier to be bad then good for many different reasons. Some people say it's because it feels better emotionally and mentally to be bad then it does to be good, even though it seems we get the same 'high' when we are nice and helpful to people. 

Getting back to what I opened this post with, to round things off and make it a positive ending, on a total opposite spin to being insulted, later that night my wonderful boyfriend texted me and told me I was beautiful. He really likes my body and understands all my issues which helps a lot. He often calls me beautiful, sexy and hot with a lot of meaning. It's a total boost to my confidence and reminds me that there are people out there who do find me attractive.   

So, in conclusion for this post just remember that no matter what 

Thanks for reading!


Research links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-good-and-evil/201405/why-is-it-easier-organize-evil-good

http://thoughtfulreading.com/psychology/good-people-vs-bad-people/

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/four-ways-topple-negativity-bias-0114137/

November Life Update; 'We're All Mad Here."

Hi readers, 

It feels like we've not had a book review in ages! That's because my last one was in September! Part of the problem has been that it's taken me ages to read Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestat. I was also meant to be reading and reviewing Queen Of The Damned, but I'm not going to because the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book is sat on my to-read-pile and I'm so picking that up next! Next Monday though will see my review of Anne Rice's vampires because today I want to write about the other reason why it's taken me so long to read two books. 

My mental health has been really bad lately and it's been due to some medication I've had to go on. Though I've briefly talked about it in the past, I've never gone into details about my long term health problem. I guess because I don't know really where to start or how to write it, but it's also because it's embarrassing and I've hardly ever tell anyone about it. I have in my drafts on here, a blog post titled about it, but I've not been able to bring myself to write it. And now, that I'm sat here writing this, which actually began as an idea a few weeks, when I had decided to try and write about it, I find once again I can't bring myself to do it! 

Anyway, I don't really need to go into details about it because this post is about the medication I'm on and how it effects me. I'm sure some people will be able to relate to this because the drugs are used for other illness too. I guess, I decided to write about because it's a good chance to reflect on things and to remind me that this is just a moment in my life which will soon pass. Plus, maybe it'll help someone else too. 

So, five weeks back I started on a course of steroids to help control my illness, which due to being messed around by my hospital -story of my life that!- had gotten out of control and I was at risk of having to go into accident and emergency to get them to sort out out. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again! I've actually had a lot of courses of steroids over the ten years I've now been diagnosed for. This dose is like my fourth or fifth this year. So, I'm use to being on them. 

Now, if you've ever been on them or other tablets that can effect you, then you'll spent time reading closely what they can do and even though I know, I always re-read the leaflets they give you. I know medication effect everyone differently and this is my personal account of how steroids effect me. 

Firstly, there's the main and biggest one which is my mental health. (And if you were wondering why I choice Alice In Wonderland quotes for this post, this will explain it.) The best way I can explain what steroids do to my brain is to compare it to someone - a child really, who has attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I' m hyper all the time, like I'm running on pure sugar. I don't feel tried and often I can't sleep. I want to do everything all at once and I talk a lot more. My attention span is short and I get bored quick and want to move on to something else. When I do get tried, I crash hard and at the minute I'm getting up to 12 hours sleep, because I'm just so exhausted but I don't feel it. 

I am also having some autistic traits. I don't want to be around people, I want to be alone and I don't really want to be touched. I'm finding it hard to understand simple things that people are telling me or asking me to do. I'm also having trouble communicating back! I know what I want to say, but it comes out wrong or else the meaning of the words isn't right. My sense of hearing also feels changed and I'm hearing stuff in the background more, though a few times what I'm hearing isn't actually there. I'm highly aware of the world around me, especially large groups of people. I'm hypersensitive to touch, so the simplest thing of someone brushing my arm, I feel it fully and a gentle tap feels hard to me. 

I have high levels of anxiety and paranoia, I over worry about things and people even though there's no need. I've had a few anxiety attacks now and they have all been caused by large crowds. My most recent happened last week whilst I was in Manchester with my date. We were on one of the most busy streets and it all got too much for me. I panicked about the number of people around me and what they were all going to do. I couldn't carry on walking and we had to stop next to the large city map. I started crying. I was so over welled by everything I couldn't do anything. 

My date handled it great. Of course, I told him at length everything I'm currently writing. There's no way I could hard this from him and I felt that was an important test of our relationship, because sadly this is a part of my life. He took me off to the side and calmed me a little. He then suggested we go to the book shop, where we had kinda been heading anyway and get off the street. I agreed and we went to Waterstones. It was quiet and I found comfort in the books. I brought two as well! I felt a lot better, though also silly. It's weird because in that moment everything just felt too real to me and I can't describe because there's no way to. But a part of me knew nothing was wrong and it was just an anxiety attack because I'd had a sensory overload. 

I think the last part of how steroids effect my mental health can best be described as having bipolar. I have been having mood swings that either are 'manic' moments or 'depression.' These mood swings come on suddenly and can be caused by everything and nothing. Normally it's stress or just too much happening at once. However, it's also caused by my hunger. This is another side effect and I feel hungry all the time no matter what and how much I eat. Sometimes I'll get cravings for certain foods and it can only by solved by eating that food and if I can't have it I start to get angry. 

For example, on another date, I wanted a jacket potato for tea. Now idea why, but that was what I needed. We past a cafe selling them, but it was only like 4pm, so we decided to come back later. However the shop was shut and I had a bit of a break down over the fact this had happened. My date had to search for the nearest place that was selling jacket potato. Luckily there was another place real close by and once I was eating, I was alot better.

Now the depression side of things normally happens when I start reducing the dose and have only a few weeks worth left, which is actually about this time. I'm on an eight week course and this is now week five. I'm use to how this form of depression is though and know the cause is the drugs and that knowledge helps a little. Still, having low/bad thoughts about myself isn't great no matter what. I hate depression because it's so hard to get out of and it feels easier to just keep falling. I have to combate it by focusing on something like arts/crafts, music and writing alot. 

I also try and talk to people, but this can be hard - even harder when I'm still suffering from the other mental issues too! People don't know how to help me. They don't know what to do or say and this can make things worse. Right now, I just keep telling people, to say to me that it's okay and it'll pass ect. Also, just to listen to me and not even give advice or anything, but just be there for me. Then I feel better, knowing that.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

The other side effects are all smaller in comparing to all of that! I already wrote about the hunger, but I then switch and don't want to eat at all. I don't feel hungry even though I am and I don't want to eat anything. So I end up snacking because I can't face big meals and though I do love fruit and veg and other health treats, I do fall back on the sugar, especially because when the hyper effect is running out and I feel so exhausted, I need the energy back. I also drink a lot and have a thirst for everything. At the minute I've also get my purple bat sippy cup full of water or juice because then it's to hand and it helps. I also put on a lot of weight, which I totally hate, but more now that I've been working hard to loss it! This time doesn't feel so bad though because I've been trying to to do more exercise, so hopefully it won't take me long to get back down again. 

The other side effect I hate is 'rounded face' or 'moon face' my cheeks get really fat and red. It looks like I've put on a lot of weight suddenly or I've had a mild reaction to something. It's noticeable and I really hate it because nothing but being off steroids for a weeks can cure it! That knowledge doesn't make me feel better right now though. 

Remember my line about having hypersensitive skin? Well, it bruises easily too. So at the minute, my legs, arms and stomach have bruise from my restless nights rolling around on my bed and also from my rushing into things during the day. I look like I've been abused, that's how bad it seems. It's not true at all though! Thank God it's winter and I'm covering up all the time at the minute, because there's no way I'd want my legs and arms to be on display at the moment. 

Insomnia is another side effect, but I've not suffered greatly from that this time around. I guess because I'm not going to bed till between 1am-3am that the insomnia doesn't have time to kick in! The nightmares on the other hand have kicked in. It doesn't help I have a very active imagination and on steroids this is heightened. My dreams have felt so real of late that when I awake, it's hard for me to realise that it was a dream or a nightmare. I've had moments were I've done the whole; I'm-awake-no-I'm -not- I'm- still- asleep, -I'm -awake now-...no,- still -asleep! repeating a few times. Then when I finally awake I'm all a panic and it takes me awhile to calm down. Alongside this, one of the rare side effects is hallucination, which isn't been that bad actually and I hope it stays that way! 

I think that covers everything. I so know this post has been long, but I feel better about it all now. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and I'm not in pain now. But I always wonder is the pros worth the cons? For me having to deal with the mental problems is always challanging, but I do over come it and the steriods do help alot and stop me going into hosptial. It's only for now anyway and I've recently started a new drug which should help too. So, soon I'll be back to normal and better then before.      

Thanks for reading and see you next week! 

Ps. If you've got the time please check out my other blog. I write a short story every day, just in case you didn't know that! https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Also, you can follow me on all these places, if you want to;

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thestoryfiles 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ironmaidenfan9

Pinterest:  http://www.pinterest.com/hails9/

Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7400715-hayley-hardman

Google + : https://plus.google.com/u/0/+HayleyHardman

Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thestoryfilesblog

Images from; 

http://quotesgram.com/mad-alice-in-wonderland-quotes/

http://www.hippoquotes.com/time-quotes-alice-in-wonderland

April Life Update: Being Ill Is Not Much Fun.

Hi readers,

Sorry, I've not posted in two week, but I was ill and so was my mum. In fact, I still am as this cold doesn't seem to want to go. Sometimes I can think of nothing worse then a bad cough that just won't quit! I guess it doesn't help that I've had hardly anytime to rest up. I've had a busy time at work, covering other peoples' shifts and volunteering on reception. Plus, I had an interview for working with the seniors, but I didn't get the job. Didn't get my PhD interview either, which was a shock.

Also, I can't let go of my ex-boyfriend no matter what I tell myself and it's become a complicated issues of us not being together and agreeing we really are not getting back together, but acting as if we are a couple again! So yeah, I'm feeling really low about stuff. And though I hate to admit, I'm wondering if I'm getting depressed again. Though, it's more like my run of bad luck and feeling ill that's giving me those thoughts. But if it does get worse, I'll be going to talk to someone.

I've not been up to anything crafty or arty outside of work. I've still got my felt steggie dinosaur to make and my mum is busy knitting me a werewolf, so maybe next month to show off them? Though got my trip to London first! So, excited about that.

Firstly, I'm currently taking part in the A-Z Challenge on my other blog. Every day, but for Sundays, the post has to be titled and be about a word starting with the next letter of the alphabet. So last week as an example I wrote stories about Anxiety, Bedazzled, Cacti, Dog. I'm finding it lots of fun and a great way to meet other bloggers. Of course, it's also to get you writing and blogging more, but I all ready do that!  

Secondly, I wanted to write about my reading goals for this year, which I had put on my Goodreads page, but forgot. I choice to try and read 30 books this year and so far I've read only 10. Feels more then that though! Last year, I did a reading challenge from Popstar, I think it was and there was around 30 books on that last too. I didn't get to read all of them though. Hopefully, having to do a book review 3-4 times a month will help as I'll need to start reading faster again.

I've got lots of books that I keep meaning to start, like the True Blood ones as I've finished watching all the seasons now. Also, the Vampire Diaries, Anne Rice's wolf books, though I'd love to read Interview with A Vampire again. Then I've got some steampunk ones and some YP ones and just, yeah far far too many! I'm sure I'll get around to them all though.

Here's the link to my Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7400715-hayley-hardman

The only upside to being ill has been that I've spent a lot of time playing Bioshock. This is like my third time playing through it now. I'm way out of practice and found the medium setting a bit hard. I've never been good at shooting games, nor any other game really, but I do still like playing them. I think Bioshock grabs me because of the dystopia setting and the story line. It feels like a different experience to other games and I remember watching my dad playing and getting hooked. I feel like I did a review of it once on here...anyway....

I've finished it again, but I'm going back for some of the achievements I've missed and then I've got to play through it again for two or three more as well. I've moved on to Bioshock 2 now, which is my favorite. I love playing as a Big Daddy and learning more about Rapture! I don't know why I find the second easier to do, maybe its the add strength of being stronger or because I've played it that many times I just know it. My favorite level is Siren Alley. I'm not sure why, but it really sticks with me.

In fact, I started reading the novel that is set before the first game and I'm going to review it next week now.

So on Thursday of last week, I was feeling so fed up with everything that I decided to take the plunge I was planing to do at the end of this month or maybe later. I joined two dating websites. Well, it turned out that okcupid still had my profile...don't know why, but it seems I forget to delete it. I also joined plenty of fish, which I was on ages ago, but got rid of after meeting my second ex-boyfriend.  

Writing and talking about all the thoughts and feels I had when I'd set up the accounts and glanced at some photos of possible dates is just impossible. I have the urge to try though, but I guess it'll be hard for people who've not been in this situation to understand. I just felt so guilty and sad and like it was wrong. I was betraying and being unfaithful too. But of course I'm single now, so why would I feel like all that?! I guess the idea of moving on is just too painful still and thinking that I'll never find anyone who's better then him. I just felt worse about everything.

Then the messages started...it's weird I was thinking I'd have to wait hours, days maybe before guys saw my profile, but nope. I'm not playing 'the I'm desperate game' or 'I'm super lonely' ect, I'm just being me, though a lot less flirty then I remember being before. I still don't know if it's what I want, but I know I won't be meeting up with anyone anytime soon. Jumping into another relationship isn't going to help, but seeing that there are other men interest in me will make me feel a bit better. And I never know who'll meet, so I'm going to try and have some fun...though not to much, can't get carried away! 

So, next week I'm going to review the Bioshock book and then hopefully, fit another review in the Monday after and before I go to London. Still really excited about that!

Till next time!  

Images from:
http://store.steampowered.com/app/7670/
https://pixabay.com/en/love-heart-broken-sad-unhappy-cry-1281655/

August Update : What is going on with this blog and me?

     

Yeah, so it's been another while, though only like one book later, since I wrote this. I've been debating if to do a review on 'Salem's Lot or not. I think though, as I found out on Goodreads that writing book reviews feels pretty pointless for bloggers. I mean if you've got a lot of followers who like you writing about books and everything, then that's okay. But for smaller, not well known bloggers, posting books reviews is like sticking up the same colored flag in a field of other flags. It doesn't really get you anywhere and it's not got me anywhere recently. 

I think what brought readers to this blog in the first place was my uni stuff and interesting things that I been doing. Then I decided to write about books and writing in an already over saturated internet world. Then of course I went off and set up another blog for my actual stories and that seemed to be doing a hell of a lot better then this blog ever did. The idea of packing this blog in though doesn't appeal to me and I do like my little corner of the internet even if anyone hardly comes to visit. So, long talk short - I'm not really going to write book reviews on here any more. Of course, there might be the odd one depending on it's level of goodness or badness. But I'll deal with that when I'm in the mood. 

So, what else is going to be on this blog now? Well, I thought about writing more about my life. That does seem to work for other bloggers and I do have a lot to talk about in certain areas - like long term health conditions, learning disabilities, mental illness and life event things. I don't know how interested readers will be in any of that and I know it's nothing new because their are whole blogs dedicated to such things. Still though, blogs to me have always been like personal diaries which are open to the public instead of being private. There's nothing wrong with that if you're okay with it. 

Anyway, so that's the news about this blog and I bet it's another good few months before I come back here to write! But my other blog takes up so much time! I keep trying not to spend the day writing a short story to put up and some days I write up to five different stories, which is actually pretty good. I've not had much time to sort out my novel nor write my new one, or sort out my new book for Amazon Kindle- though in the light of payment changes, I'm still deciding if I do want to self-publish on there anymore. 

Coming into this is my current health problems. I've two long term conditions which I take pills for everyday and go into hospital every eight weeks for IV treatment. My days and nights can be heavily effect by either one or both my conditions on a varied scale. Sometimes, I'm pretty good and other days I can't leave the house and feel so ill that I can't do nothing but stay on the sofa or in bed or in the bathroom. I bring this up because I've been bad for the last three days and not able to do much. I'm feeling better now, but it'll come back soon enough. On top of this my iron level is half what it should be. Being anemic comes along with both conditions and I've to have tablets and lots of high in iron food stuffs. But when it gets as low as it has been, I'm mega tried and have cold/flu like symptoms, thus I don't want to do much and I sleep for like 12-14 hours without really realising because waking up is just too hard for me to do. Still I battle on though, what else are you suppose to do? 

Hopefully, I'll get under control soon. I'll be able to do more writing and stuff too, really it's the only thing holding me back right now, though I keep trying not to let it! Anyway, tomorrow, I'm going to take my driving exam for the second time. I'm nervous because my instructor got a new car and this will be only the second time I've driven it and it feels a lot different to his last one! So, if anything does happen it'll be my lack of confidence in the car then me! I'll get through it at some point and then maybe I'll get a car of my own. 

I'm also doing two extra days at work this week - Wednesday and Thursday because an event is on for young people with additional needs and they need support staff. It'll be a great experience for me, especially as my review of my trail period didn't go so well. I don't want to get into all of that but let's say I've got a lot to improve on and I'm worried I'm not going to be able to do it. I guess everyone gets like that at some point though.

Anyway, that's all for now. Hopefully it won't be long till I'm back!