December Life Update; One Week Till Christmas!

Hi readers, 

I can't believe it'll be Christmas Eve this time next week. Feels like it's coming too fast! I'm pretty much ready for it though, brought and got all my presents and wrapped them too. Now, it's just helping my parents with wrapping other presents, buying the food and helping to make the celebrations go smoothly. 

I'm also recovering from a bad flare up and effects of taking steroids. I've less then a week left of those to take and I'm all ready feeling better. Also, I went back to work last week! Though some people weren't sure I was ready, but I needed to get back to some normal-ness. I've to take it easy and not get stressed, so I'm doing simple crafts with the kids and not being so bossy/mother-like that I do sometimes get, I'm just getting to let it go and allow the kids to do what they want - within reason for course! and try to hold back more. It's going to be hard, but I'll try. 

A lot seems to have happened last time I wrote, though it's only been two weeks, but then a lot does happen in December it always seems. So, this is going to be bit of a catch up post really now.

The photo above is the top part of my Christmas tree. We decorate the house on the weekend of my dad's birthday, 9th and this year that was a Sunday. I love getting all the decorations out and up, makes it seem like Christmas is coming closer. My favourite part is putting the tree up! I love getting all the decorations stuck on and remember where some of them came from. 

We have this traditional way of decorating the tree - lights first then tinsel then everything else, including a few different things which have just ended up on the tree over time. There's a small womble - my mum loves them and has many around the house-, a sliver dragon- we are all fans of those, - a little voo doo doll, a dream catcher, a weaved love heart, knitted octopus and other things that mum and I have crafted over the years. It just adds a bit of fun and silliness to the tree which sums up how we do Christmas. 

There are three decorations which always go on last; most people end with topping the tree with an angel or star, but our star is the third from last thing to go on. Next, is a cardboard Grinch with a paper tissue tree, I got with the Grinch movie which is my favourite Christmas movie and I watch it every year. Last to go on the tree is a paper Christmas bug, this came out of my favourite Christmas story; Jingle Bugs which I read aloud before putting the Christmas bug on then tree to complete it.  

Then it's time to get the presents underneath! I got to place the first one which was to me from my best friend then I put ones to my family. I like wrapping things up, though it always takes longer then you think! Below is about half of the presents I wrapped as I did like three lots. The tree though looks more fuller then this now!

As is the other tradition on the weekend of my dad's birthday we went to the Manchester Christmas markets. However, the weather wasn't great and both me and my mum were ill so the trip was cut short. This year, it also felt smaller, though it was busier as it normally was which wasn't good for my anxiety. We didn't take any photos either which I do kinds of regret but I wasn't in the mood and nor was my boyfriend. There'll be next year.  

Yesterday, I went and saw Wicked in Manchester with my boyfriend. I had booked the tickets like a year and half in advance and going felt like some kind of mile stone had been reached in our relationship! We have this silly thing about how we weren't allowed to break up until after we'd seen Wicked and if we were still together we had to get married. Things are still good so far and I know he's currently saving for a ring! 

Anyway, there was a stand selling lots of things and I couldn't help myself, though I didn't have much money, I treated myself to a flying monkey soft toy, postcard set, two programs and I got the poster for free!    

   

We had a great time and really enjoyed the musical. I had seen it before but my boyfriend hadn't and I didn't tell him lot about it because I didn't want to spoil it, so he was surprised about the detail in the story and felt the urge to watch The Wizard Of Oz movie again. 

Now, it'll be a week today that we see each other again. He is having to work Christmas Eve and we decided that since we would be spending from then till about 2nd January together - divided between my house and his house - that it would be okay not see each other the weekend before. I've to work on Saturday night and it would be a bit of back and forth for both us, so it's easier this way. Sometimes I wished we lived closer or even together! Possible a plan for next year as soon as I've found a better job. Anyway, I can't wait to see him and all my family then. 

Till then, I've work and other things to keep me busy. I've four short stories left to write on my other blog for this month now - been getting ahead so I don't have to worry- then I need to start January's soon. I've also finished knitting all the Christmas presents for my family and started on one for me! I'm knitting the colourful scarf out of pure wool. It's like super chunky, easy to do and it's knitting up real fast. I can't wait to wear it even though it does feel bit scratchy.  

The second thing I've to do is read my way through my current book pile! Before I started on the steroids I had begun The Thief  the latest Black Dagger Brotherhood novel which I was really excited to read. Then though one of the side effects of the steroids is that you can't focus on a single thing for long, it's a bit like having ADHD, my mind was wondering about everywhere and reading was just too hard, specially with a novel that has lots of different characters, back histories and tells three different plots tangled together! 

So, determined to not stop reading, I read some short Christmas stories then moved on to reading Dickens' ghost stories. I found that though of course Dickens can be a bit hard going, due to the short stories, I was able to read and enjoy them. I've maybe five/six stories left to go now, including A Christmas Carol which I'm saving to start reading around the 20th/21th when it's only a few days to go. 

After that I should get back to reading The Thief, then Blood Fury which is the spin off series. Next will be The Humans which I brought my dad for his birthday but wanted to read as it's told from the point of view of a dog! I don't read Science Fiction but this one interested me. In between I'll be reading the bottom three in the photo; Fruits Basket is a manga series my boyfriend thought I'd like and I do but I'm having a hard time getting fully into it and the other two are self-help books.       

My other thing to do is colouring! It's super calming and relaxing, it's been my other go to thing when I've become restless, stressed or my insomnia has kept me up. I'm sure I've said this before but I like the Colouring Heaven mags. The drawings are clear and a good mixture of scenes to colour. I like thinking I'm adding life to the characters etc and I also make up stories about them in my head!

I'm currently doing the front cover of the Christmas mag. I've done the bottom left picture of an elf so far. Hopefully, get the rest of it done soon.

I've not asked for any colouring books this year as I've too many but I've asked for some colouring pencil sets. I've been using felt pens for awhile now but I've found that pencils and gel pens are far better for blending and getting a more detailed finished. So, hopefully someone has brought me some.

As for other other presents it's mostly books, dvds, cds etc, I've not wanted anything big or fancy this year. I couldn't really decided. Though I would like a Nintendo Switch but they are expensive still and so are the games. I could ask for a new bed but that seems a strange Christmas present! Anyway, one other things I've asked for is the Body Shop's new Christmas release. I've fallen in love with the peppermint candy cane - as in the photo below. To me it smells like after dinner mints and I love those. The smell of mint I find calming and so I've asked for a full set of peppermint candy cane stuff! 

I'm look forward to everything now, just got to get through this week!

On a slightly different note, I have discovered this awesome tea which has been helping me to get to sleep. It's really nice and I drink it whilst reading in bed and then I feel so super sleepy and just drifted off. I've been a fan of flavoured tea and coffee for awhile, gingerbread is my all time favourite. Spiced apple is a close second so this tea I found really nice. I would so recommend trying some. It's quite calming too which seems perfect for now as many people are getting stressed out by Christmas. Even thinking about it making me sleepy right now!

Last thing I wanted to share today, is the new winter/Christmas jumper my mum knitted for me! Since she give it to me last Wednesday I've hardly taken it off. I found it in one of her knitting mags and thought it would make a great jumper to have. I love the simple style of the white and blues coming together with matching snowflakes. It looks Christmas-y but is suitable to wear afterwards too. Which is great because I love Christmas jumpers but after the day you can't really wear them anymore. 

My mum had been super busy trying to finish the jumper and she didn't have much help from our dog! Patch for an odd reason loves snuggling up to wool balls and knitted things but she does end up in the way! 

And this is the finished jumper! It's so cool! 

Actually it's warm and snugly, Mum made it out of soft baby wool. I love it so much, it's a good job I don't have to take it off anytime soon! 

That's all for today anyway, so if I don't see you before have a Merry Christmas and thank you for reading.  

All photos belong to me.

September Life Update; An Emotional Breakdown and Depression

Hi readers,

Things have been real tough for me these last few weeks. I agreed to cover the senior receptionist's three shifts a week at work for 2 weeks as he went on holiday and my manager was sort of struggling to find someone to cover. I normal just cover the Mondays and Fridays leaving the Wednesday to go to Dungeons and Dragons but I'm saving up for a new bed and D&D wasn't on the second week.

The first week was okay, I had an issue with missing some young people off the register and the takings being down, but those are things I continually struggle with. I blame my moderate learning difficulties and the unreliability of honest teenagers.

Then I had the first return to Saturday evenings shift to do. Over the spring and summer, I've worked in the afternoons on a girl's only session offer but it's been decided that we are going back to the evening shifts for the autumn/winter. That went fine - it was a free session so no money handling for me and we had a low number of teens in.

The second Monday came and I realised how tried and unwell I was feeling. My insomnia and sleep pattern - which I really don't have anyway- was bad. When I was sleeping, I wasn't getting enough and I was starting to realise that covering for two weeks might have been a bad idea. Still though, I was going to get a new bed with my extra wages and that was something to keep going for.

Another issue happened; my IBS flared up. (Slight side story here, but my mum makes a nice Sunday dinner every Sunday and I love chicken and gravy but I've know for some years now that gravy mix triggers me. Mum and I have been through lots of different brands and made our own etc, but I've yet to find a gravy I can safely eat). So, I had a pre-made chicken with herbs in a bag and gravy which seems to have been the cause of my flare up.

I have another condition called Ulcerative Colitis which is similar to IBS but can make me so ill when it flares up that I can't do anything and sometimes I have to go to hospital with it as the pain is super bad. I've had both of this conditions for 13 years now and maybe two or three years before it was diagnosed. Managing them both can be hard but I've learnt the signs and symptoms to tell them a part enough.

When I try to explain them to people, I say think of a time when you had a bad stomach bug and you had to go to bathroom all the time. Now, imagine if you had that everyday! Sometimes it's fine enough that you can go out for a day trip somewhere like the zoo or the beach. Other days, it's so bad you have to stay in between you bed and the bathroom, not able to do much else.

What I rarely go into with people is all the other side effects of the conditions and all the treatments I've been on that have left their own side effects on my mind. One day, I plan to write a post on here about that but for now I'll get back to the subject of this post.

So yeah, I had a flare up of my IBS and it wasn't good. I could barely do my job that Monday evening but I stuck it out, though I made mistakes and I should have gone home sick. But I don't like letting my IBS and colitis rule my life, I have always said if I allow that I'd never leave my house again. Anyway, when I got home afterwards, I was exhausted but couldn't really sleep and I felt more unwell. I told myself it would be okay though.

However, the next day, Tuesday, instead of my normal juniors arts and crafts shift, I got asked to cover reception and of course I agreed. Now, the young age group is manic and it's super easy to not stay on top of things and get stressed out. That's what happened with me and of course one of my other IBS triggers is stress! So, my flare up only got worse and I made a few bad mistakes and got in trouble. Once again, I should have gone home sick but with less then two hours to go, I didn't.

On Wednesday, I got called into a meeting and had to explain all the mistakes I had made over the past few shifts. I felt like everything was crashing down over me. I was exhausted, stressed, feeling ill and still having to deal with my flare up plus the side effects of that! So, I had an emotional break down in that meeting. I got a few things off my chest and cried a lot. I didn't feel that much better though and once again, I should have gone home but I stayed and did a 7 hour shift.

When I got home that night, even more exhausted and ill, I felt depressed and suicidal. I didn't feel like normal me anymore, it was like this other person who was having all these drowning thoughts, feelings and emotions had taken over. I couldn't stop crying and though I needed to sleep, I couldn't. I was worried about losing my job, my flare up getting worse and about all the stress working over the last 3 days had caused.

Even though, my parents had gone to bed, I awoke them and had a long conversation about things. Though, I don't remember much of that now. My mum told me I should phone in sick for Friday and Saturday and see a doctor in the morning. Which I did end up doing. When I phoned in sick, I felt like a weight had been lift. I didn't have to worry about going into work and making more mistakes or trying to deal with my flare up whilst there. I could stay at home, de-stress and sleep, like I needed.

The doctor give me anti-depressants and a phone number for counselling. I have known for about a month and bit now that I've been balancing on the edge of falling into depression again. I know the trigger has been to do with not being able to find a new job and therefore not being able to move on with my life how I want to. It seems all this stress at work has really pushed me off the edge now.

After a night of better sleep and the worry of work gone, I was feeling better. I was still emotional, anxious and stressed though. I realised for the last 24 to 48 hours I hadn't really been myself. My mind was clear from all the overwhelming emotions and thoughts, I felt more like myself again. I got to wondering who that person had been those last few hours, because that had been far from my own personality. My mum nicknamed her the crazy cat lady and I kind of agreed!

I reflected on what had happened, give it the name of an emotional break down and I've been trying to move on every since. The doctor give me two weeks off work and I've been taking it easy. Doing things I enjoy, thinking about how I feel and sleeping!

Depression wise, I only took one anti-depressant tablet out of the 14 I got given so far. I don't believe that they really work for me. They take a course or two to actually get into your system and start the chemical reactions to balance emotional levels. When you come off then, the side effects including making you depressed again!

I have been able to control my mild bouts of depression for years now as I have had mental health problems for most of my life. I know the signs and what I need to do to help. Often this includes, talking to people about all my issues, doing things I enjoy more like reading and crafting and writing non-fiction reflection and record pieces. For some reason though, I struggle with writing fiction, so my short stories on my other blog of late have not been so good. I've been able to keep the habit of writing them and to me that counts for a lot more at the minute! So, hopefully, I'll be able to keep self-managing now.

Lastly and yes I know how long this post is now! I wrote in my diary on Thursday night about how depression feels like Alice In Wonderland. At the time, I had forgot that the theory behind the story and Alice Through the Looking Glass is to do with mental health. When I told my mum the next day she reminded me and I decided it did make a lot of sense. I also wrote a blog post here way back in November 2016 (http://hailscrazyblog.blogspot.com/2016/11/november-life-update-were-all-mad-here.html) which was about my then mental health problems due to meds I was on and how it did seem like I was Wonderland.  

So, yeah, for now I'm Alice, dealing with the Mad Hatter, Cheshire Cat and the Queen of Hearts. I hope in the next few weeks I am able to find the White Rabbit and leave Wonderland behind me!

Thanks for reading this super long post!    

Stock photos from;

https://www.pexels.com and https://pixabay.com/

         

January Life Update: Welcome 2017!

Hi readers and welcome to my first post of 2017! 

I hope everyone had a good time celebrating the first day of the new year and all the best to everyone. I plan to keep this post short and once again I have no photos, so that should help! I had a quiet night in with my family and my boyfriend. We played board games, watched a few movies and then the fireworks in London on the TV. They always look really good and whilst I do wonder what it would be like to be there one year, I just think it's easier seeing them on TV! 

Beside from that I've had a chilled last few weeks and I've not been doing much really. Though I've read three and a bit books, wrote some short stories, spent time with my family and watched lots of movies. Now though, its back to normal. I was in work today even though it was a bank holiday. The youth centre never closes! It was quiet though, just people ringing to see if we were open and asking to pass on messages. I read my book, wrote some stories, did some colouring, watched You Tube videos and listen to music (I had permission from my supervisor, of course!) I also made a dream catcher, which I'm running as a craft activity tomorrow. They are not that hard to make, though mine didn't turn out right- made a few mistakes, but it turned out okay. I think the kids will like them. 

It was a bit boring just sat there in a building that was empty but for me and one or two other people. But hey, I got paid and I could do what I wanted, so I can't argue with that. Though it didn't help with my sleep problem! For the last three nights, I've been in the living room on airbeds and sofas as we don't have a third double bed in my family home. So, I've not had much sleep and I've been going to bed late too! I'm hoping for a better night tonight! 

So, like everyone else I guess, I've been deciding my New Year resolutions. Though I like to see them as more of goals for the year then just giving up bad habits and other stuff. The typical one of lose weight is on there. I was actually doing okay with that last year, but then ill health, October and December holidays haven't helped, so I'm going to give it a short again. I'm still a member of the gym and I plan to go swimming and to the gym with my mum three times a week. I also want to take my dog out more for longer walks and reduce sugar in my food. All that should help. I've found going on diets, following rules and cutting out foods doesn't work for me. I get cravings for things and I can't fight it easily. Also, due to my ill health, things can be effect by not eating enough or eating too much of certain foods. During last summer it did actually work, so I just need to try harder to stick to it now.   

I've also decided not to buy any books this year beside from ones by J .R. Ward - my favourite author who's got two new books coming out this year- and a manga series called Assassination Classroom. That's because I need those books and I know I'd just break my goal for them. The reason I've decided to try and not buy any books is because I have too many to read and I don't have space any more. Yes, I do have a kindle and a laptop now, but I spend most of my time looking at screens as it is and I like physical books far better. I've added a side rule to this that books people give me or are free are okay to have. In 2015, I went 6 months without buying a book. This year, I hope to go the whole 12! 

That goal fits in with my third one; save more money! I so need to do this if I'm to get my main goal of getting a car this year. I want to make sure I can afford one and though I probably can do, I really want to make sure of it. So, I need to get better at saving money. I plan to try and set a minimum of £100 a month, but to try and set more aside. This means I'll have to work more hours, but that doesn't seem bad if it's worth it. 

So, that's four goals now. I think that's enough to be getting on with. Of course, there are things like write a novel, get the short story collections sorted, look for another part time job or a full one, move out of my family home and into my own place, work on my relationships, spend more time with my friends and travel a bit more too. 

I found lots of different resolutions and goal settings online. I picked out three that I wanted to try myself as they look really good. Here they are;     

This is the first one I found. It's a list of 12 single words that you use to complete sentences with which allow you to create simple or complex goals. For example; give more to the homeless or visit Germany.  http://www.artbarblog.com/create/this-year-resolutions/  

The second is a list of resolutions ideas which is good if you are stuck for ideas, or you want to achieve something different. For example, 'try meatless Mondays' and 'volunteer more.'  

http://easycollegecoupons.com/the-ultimate-list-of-2017-new-years-resolution-ideas/

The third is this monthly guide which has a different goal every month but they are all really useful for. I like this idea because it helps create good habits and since the time line is short things can easily be tried out and achieved more. So for example; in July try drinking more water and in March get organised. http://www.cleverpedia.com/new-you-for-the-new-year-challenge/ 

What are you new year resolutions? 

Happy New Year and next Monday it'll be the first book review of the year. See you there!