Hi readers,
It feels like we've not had a book review in ages! That's because my last one was in September! Part of the problem has been that it's taken me ages to read Interview With A Vampire and The Vampire Lestat. I was also meant to be reading and reviewing Queen Of The Damned, but I'm not going to because the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book is sat on my to-read-pile and I'm so picking that up next! Next Monday though will see my review of Anne Rice's vampires because today I want to write about the other reason why it's taken me so long to read two books.
My mental health has been really bad lately and it's been due to some medication I've had to go on. Though I've briefly talked about it in the past, I've never gone into details about my long term health problem. I guess because I don't know really where to start or how to write it, but it's also because it's embarrassing and I've hardly ever tell anyone about it. I have in my drafts on here, a blog post titled about it, but I've not been able to bring myself to write it. And now, that I'm sat here writing this, which actually began as an idea a few weeks, when I had decided to try and write about it, I find once again I can't bring myself to do it!
Anyway, I don't really need to go into details about it because this post is about the medication I'm on and how it effects me. I'm sure some people will be able to relate to this because the drugs are used for other illness too. I guess, I decided to write about because it's a good chance to reflect on things and to remind me that this is just a moment in my life which will soon pass. Plus, maybe it'll help someone else too.
So, five weeks back I started on a course of steroids to help control my illness, which due to being messed around by my hospital -story of my life that!- had gotten out of control and I was at risk of having to go into accident and emergency to get them to sort out out. Been there, done that and don't want to do it again! I've actually had a lot of courses of steroids over the ten years I've now been diagnosed for. This dose is like my fourth or fifth this year. So, I'm use to being on them.
Now, if you've ever been on them or other tablets that can effect you, then you'll spent time reading closely what they can do and even though I know, I always re-read the leaflets they give you. I know medication effect everyone differently and this is my personal account of how steroids effect me.
Firstly, there's the main and biggest one which is my mental health. (And if you were wondering why I choice Alice In Wonderland quotes for this post, this will explain it.) The best way I can explain what steroids do to my brain is to compare it to someone - a child really, who has attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I' m hyper all the time, like I'm running on pure sugar. I don't feel tried and often I can't sleep. I want to do everything all at once and I talk a lot more. My attention span is short and I get bored quick and want to move on to something else. When I do get tried, I crash hard and at the minute I'm getting up to 12 hours sleep, because I'm just so exhausted but I don't feel it.
I am also having some autistic traits. I don't want to be around people, I want to be alone and I don't really want to be touched. I'm finding it hard to understand simple things that people are telling me or asking me to do. I'm also having trouble communicating back! I know what I want to say, but it comes out wrong or else the meaning of the words isn't right. My sense of hearing also feels changed and I'm hearing stuff in the background more, though a few times what I'm hearing isn't actually there. I'm highly aware of the world around me, especially large groups of people. I'm hypersensitive to touch, so the simplest thing of someone brushing my arm, I feel it fully and a gentle tap feels hard to me.
I have high levels of anxiety and paranoia, I over worry about things and people even though there's no need. I've had a few anxiety attacks now and they have all been caused by large crowds. My most recent happened last week whilst I was in Manchester with my date. We were on one of the most busy streets and it all got too much for me. I panicked about the number of people around me and what they were all going to do. I couldn't carry on walking and we had to stop next to the large city map. I started crying. I was so over welled by everything I couldn't do anything.
My date handled it great. Of course, I told him at length everything I'm currently writing. There's no way I could hard this from him and I felt that was an important test of our relationship, because sadly this is a part of my life. He took me off to the side and calmed me a little. He then suggested we go to the book shop, where we had kinda been heading anyway and get off the street. I agreed and we went to Waterstones. It was quiet and I found comfort in the books. I brought two as well! I felt a lot better, though also silly. It's weird because in that moment everything just felt too real to me and I can't describe because there's no way to. But a part of me knew nothing was wrong and it was just an anxiety attack because I'd had a sensory overload.
I think the last part of how steroids effect my mental health can best be described as having bipolar. I have been having mood swings that either are 'manic' moments or 'depression.' These mood swings come on suddenly and can be caused by everything and nothing. Normally it's stress or just too much happening at once. However, it's also caused by my hunger. This is another side effect and I feel hungry all the time no matter what and how much I eat. Sometimes I'll get cravings for certain foods and it can only by solved by eating that food and if I can't have it I start to get angry.
For example, on another date, I wanted a jacket potato for tea. Now idea why, but that was what I needed. We past a cafe selling them, but it was only like 4pm, so we decided to come back later. However the shop was shut and I had a bit of a break down over the fact this had happened. My date had to search for the nearest place that was selling jacket potato. Luckily there was another place real close by and once I was eating, I was alot better.
Now the depression side of things normally happens when I start reducing the dose and have only a few weeks worth left, which is actually about this time. I'm on an eight week course and this is now week five. I'm use to how this form of depression is though and know the cause is the drugs and that knowledge helps a little. Still, having low/bad thoughts about myself isn't great no matter what. I hate depression because it's so hard to get out of and it feels easier to just keep falling. I have to combate it by focusing on something like arts/crafts, music and writing alot.
I also try and talk to people, but this can be hard - even harder when I'm still suffering from the other mental issues too! People don't know how to help me. They don't know what to do or say and this can make things worse. Right now, I just keep telling people, to say to me that it's okay and it'll pass ect. Also, just to listen to me and not even give advice or anything, but just be there for me. Then I feel better, knowing that.
The other side effects are all smaller in comparing to all of that! I already wrote about the hunger, but I then switch and don't want to eat at all. I don't feel hungry even though I am and I don't want to eat anything. So I end up snacking because I can't face big meals and though I do love fruit and veg and other health treats, I do fall back on the sugar, especially because when the hyper effect is running out and I feel so exhausted, I need the energy back. I also drink a lot and have a thirst for everything. At the minute I've also get my purple bat sippy cup full of water or juice because then it's to hand and it helps. I also put on a lot of weight, which I totally hate, but more now that I've been working hard to loss it! This time doesn't feel so bad though because I've been trying to to do more exercise, so hopefully it won't take me long to get back down again.
The other side effect I hate is 'rounded face' or 'moon face' my cheeks get really fat and red. It looks like I've put on a lot of weight suddenly or I've had a mild reaction to something. It's noticeable and I really hate it because nothing but being off steroids for a weeks can cure it! That knowledge doesn't make me feel better right now though.
Remember my line about having hypersensitive skin? Well, it bruises easily too. So at the minute, my legs, arms and stomach have bruise from my restless nights rolling around on my bed and also from my rushing into things during the day. I look like I've been abused, that's how bad it seems. It's not true at all though! Thank God it's winter and I'm covering up all the time at the minute, because there's no way I'd want my legs and arms to be on display at the moment.
Insomnia is another side effect, but I've not suffered greatly from that this time around. I guess because I'm not going to bed till between 1am-3am that the insomnia doesn't have time to kick in! The nightmares on the other hand have kicked in. It doesn't help I have a very active imagination and on steroids this is heightened. My dreams have felt so real of late that when I awake, it's hard for me to realise that it was a dream or a nightmare. I've had moments were I've done the whole; I'm-awake-no-I'm -not- I'm- still- asleep, -I'm -awake now-...no,- still -asleep! repeating a few times. Then when I finally awake I'm all a panic and it takes me awhile to calm down. Alongside this, one of the rare side effects is hallucination, which isn't been that bad actually and I hope it stays that way!
I think that covers everything. I so know this post has been long, but I feel better about it all now. I'm feeling a lot better in myself and I'm not in pain now. But I always wonder is the pros worth the cons? For me having to deal with the mental problems is always challanging, but I do over come it and the steriods do help alot and stop me going into hosptial. It's only for now anyway and I've recently started a new drug which should help too. So, soon I'll be back to normal and better then before.
Thanks for reading and see you next week!
Ps. If you've got the time please check out my other blog. I write a short story every day, just in case you didn't know that! https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/
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Images from;
http://quotesgram.com/mad-alice-in-wonderland-quotes/
http://www.hippoquotes.com/time-quotes-alice-in-wonderland
