April Life Update; That Drowning Feeling.

Hi readers,

I'm struggling today. I'm still not well and had to take some more time of work but I now have to look at claiming benefits again as I've used up all my sick pay. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation because I don't want to but I don't have a choice. So, I have to go through trying to put a claim in and hoping I can get some finical support.

I also have to go back to work next Saturday, even if I don't feel well enough because not going will just make this situation worse. I want to go back. I enjoy my job and working, so I will try hard to self manage my colitis. 

That isn't an easy task, it's okay to avoid the food, drink and pain relief tablets that trigger me but what my battle really is about is my anxiety and stress. Trying to keep both of them down, is currently hard for me to do as I have so many worries and now I have the money and work ones back! 

I know deep down I will get through all of this. I've done so before and it's just a rough time for me again. I have the support of a lot of people around me, though I know today doesn't feel like that's the case but it's very much true. 

I'm also real lucky that I still live with my parents and don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills etc. I have some emergency money savings which can see me through till this month's payday, so as long as I don't actually buy anything for the next few weeks I'll be fine. So, I'm going to try and not worry about that all too much.

I've used some of those savings today to pay for my car tax and MOT. As my car was due both and the last thing I need is to be worrying about losing my car. My dad will make sure my car passes the MOT test, so I don't need to worry about that, just got to let him do some work on things this weekend to make that a positive pass as much as possible. 

So, now I just have to try and sent all this side and focus on other things. I know that's easily said then done! But I know that spending time over worrying, being upset, depressed and anxious won't get me anywhere or make anything better. Acting and trying to solve my issues with a calm mind and heart is the best way to go. 

Trying to stay positive has always been a hard thing for me to do. I like to think I'm a positive, happy person but that's not actually the case. I make myself like that because that's how I think I should be. I'm sure some of you also do that. Being negative and unhappy is a lot easier to do and people noticed that a lot more too. 

I do feel a bit like I'm drowning at the moment. It's like being on a boat in a storm and being thrown overboard. I'm struggling to save myself from the crushing waves and I know only I can really do that. Other people might be throwing the life ring out for me but it's up to me to grab it and hang on. 

So, what I do I do when I'm in this situation? Normally, I do have a break down. I cry lot and wonder over so much. I talk to people - my parents, boyfriend, some friends and just let everything out to them and try to listen to whatever advice they give me. Which can be hard as sometimes I don't want that but afterwards, it kinda useful to think about their suggestions and maybe act on them. 

I do lots of writing - in my diary, reflectively and though it can be hard, short stories. I can let everything out and I don't have to show my writing to anyone and I can just release all my thoughts and feelings on to paper and then it doesn't go around in my head. Actually, I do have a big focus this month as it's the A-Z Blogging Challenge! I'm wring a short story everyday prompted by words that are new to me. You can check it out on my other blog here; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

One of the other things I do is blast some heavy metal music and sing along. It's really get way to de-stress and just release all my emotions. Sometimes I'm too ill or not in the mood for this, so finding the right moment sometimes has to wait. But by taking the hours to do this, it's worth it as I often feel so much better afterwards and like I'm rising above everything that's getting me down. 

I have lots of bands and songs, I cycle through but I always return to these favourite bands; Disciple, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Iron Maiden, Drowning Pool, Bullet For My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon and Soil. All their songs speak to my soul and find a peace in the lyrics that I don't get anywhere else. 

The other thing I do to feel more positive and really I need to do more of this as I've found it can help lot and also change my mind set, is to get my Happy Books out. I think I've wrote about this before but briefly, a friend got me a notebook that had Happy Book on it and I decided to collect quotes and memes and imagines that made me happy inside the book. When I filled it, I went and brought this artist's A4 book to continue doing this. 

The front cover is a temporary thing until I get around to making one.      

I used Pinterest to help find things that make me happy and this can just be anything. I put this into a document, print them, cut them and stick them in the book. This helps focus my mind and also soak up some positive thinking. Here's an example of this; 

Recently, I have also turned to knitting and that helps me get through too. I was going to add to the end of this post about my recently finished knitting and my current projects but this post is all ready too long as I'll leave it like this now. 

I hope that things do get sorted for me soon and that things can change. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out my other blog. 

(Photos my own).

December Life Update: Job Hunting and Interviews!

Hi everyone!

So, this blog has slipped again due to me being ill, busy and lazy, the usual things! I had the urge to write today just to fill in the big gap. I've been trying hard to reach my 100 books read target, but I've not done any book reviews as I've mostly been reading Manga. I can get through one of those in one to three days. I'm at 82 books now and just started a complete 20 books manga series, so hopefully, I'll make it!

 I'm still looking for a new job. I've now had four job interviews in the last two months, so my job hunting has clearly been ramped out. I'm happy as it means my new CV is working and so has all my efforts. I was kind of expecting to hear back from more places but the receptionist/admin roles are competitive.

My first interview was two weeks ago and it was for a reception and security role. Things went okay, but before the interview I'd done some research into the role and company and I'd half decided it wasn't for me. During the interview, I learnt I'd have to have army SAS security training and have to deal with threats to the building I'm working in. That could actually be any building as the company hire you out to places like banks and government buildings. The money was £10 a hour and some of the shifts were 10-12 hours long. That's not for me as my health problems wouldn't be able to cope and I don't think all the training in the world could make me confident dealing with a bomb threat!

I didn't do great at the interview anyway. Yes, I answered all the normal questions fine; Why do you want the job? What can you bring to the role? What are your strengths and weakness? Where do you see yourself in five years time? How would you deal with a angry client? Etc. I didn't make myself stand out enough. I think it didn't help that I realised the job wasn't going to be suitable for me. For the record, I never heard back.     

My second interview was over the phone and for a data entry job. I went to what I thought was the face interview but it was actually the paperwork signing! Turns out this job was based in a warehouse and documents needed to be transferred from paper to computer. I signed up for the job after making sure I could get out if needed. I also had to have some background checks and they have all been done now. I do technically have that job now and a starting date. 

Third interview was for a reception job at a small but busy manufacturing company. The interview went well but I was too chatty - my down fall! I thought I was in with a chance, as I answered all the questions well and did the two tasks fine. Though I was a bit wobbly on the phone call but it was different to what I'm use to and the second call I took was about some insurance papers which was scary! I went home feeling good about it but I didn't hear back.

Fourth interview was at my current place of work and they wanted an admin. I met all of the requirements but for one thing which was experience with databases. I do have some but it a lot. I knew the people interviewing me - one is my current manager! Things went well though and it was only 20 mins. Normally they give a building tour and talk about what the youth center does. After there's two tasks to complete as well.

I was really hoping to get this job as it would have meant that I could slot in easy and not have to worry about getting to know people and the company. A few hours after, I got the 'sorry, no' call. It had been a close thing between me and this other person but because they had more database experience then me and that was really needed for the job, they picked them. It wasn't a nice moment, but I took at as a sign that I really need to move on and find something else. 

So job number 2 - warehouse data entry, was meant to start today but then there become a complication. I phoned on Friday to say that I was keeping my current part-time job and I'd need Tuesday afternoons off to go and do that. I'd brought this up twice and been told it was okay. Now though it's not no longer and I'll need to hand my notice in and leave. I bet many people would do that without thinking but for me it's different. This new job is temp for 4 months even though there's chance of more work to follow. My current job is permanent and I do get shifts to cover. New job isn't really what I want and the money is standard, plus there's my health problems and the worry they won't support that or my long times of sick I sometimes have to have. 

It's hard not to take a job when it's offered to you, especially if you need it and the money but you know it wouldn't be suitable to you. I'm super torn and now have a new start day of Thursday and tomorrow to hand in my notice. I don't think I can do it though. To me it's not worth leaving stability for unstable. I'm not giving up nor backing away from the unknown, I'm just trying to decided what's best for me right now. The question really is can I offered not to take this job? And the answer is yes, I can be fine without this job. 

Sounds like I've made my mind up now. I just have to hope that something else comes up and I can start a new job in the new year.      

(Photos from Pixabay)

October Life Update; Leeds Holiday

Hi readers, 

Last week my boyfriend and I went to Leeds. We did lots of things, including going to the Steampunk fair at a mill. We had a great time and it was a nice holiday which after recent happenings was a nice break for both of us. 

Some of my photos didn't turn out great, so I only had a few to pick from. I had issues with my camera again! 

Firstly, the steampunk fair which we went to on the second day, Sunday, though it seemed Saturday was the better day. Last year, we had a great time and there were so many good stalls but this year there seemed less stalls and less people. Maybe the weather had something do with it or maybe there was other events on, but I felt a bit disappointed. There weren't many things I wanted to buy, though needing to save money didn't help that. 

Plus, I wasn't that happy with my costume this year. It wasn't what I had really planned to go in as I wanted to be in the blue ball grown dress I'd worn for Comic Con but after the hassle of it, I decided to wear my skirt and blouse. Maybe, next time when I've lost some more weight which is one of my main goals now. Still though what matters is that we had a good time and we were together.   

The mill itself is an interesting place but because I've been like three times now, we didn't really wander around as much as we did last time. We got pizza for lunch which was really good. There was also some out door activities like a bird of prey flight, but the weather really wasn't great, though the rain held off.    

Below are the few things I brought; a felt bat, a self-published novel, postcard and business cards of the stalls I like. I could have easily made the bat myself, but I really liked the idea of supporting another crafter. The book is part of a series set in a dystopia world and it seemed like a good read. Even though I've so much to read right now!

That evening we went to TJI Friday's for tea and I tried this toffee apple rib dish which was nice but I still think it would be better as a sweet item instead! I also treated myself to two cocktails and this cookie dough sundae. We had a great time and it was a nice way to end the day.

Skipping back, on the first day we went into the city centre and had a walk around. We went into some of the shops and had lunch. Then we went to the Leeds City museum which small but had some interesting stuff. I really liked this skeleton elk which was huge. They also had some more animals and an ancient worlds section. It was a nice little place but it only fill two hours or so. It was reasonably busy but not so bad for Saturday. It was also raining too! 

On the last full day we went to the Royal Armouries, which my boyfriend was most excited about. You really need all day to this museum as it's a huge place with lots to see and do. My favourite parts are the horses and elephants. There was a lot of armour and weapons of course! Also, lots of history to take in. As it was a Monday, it wasn't busy which was good news for me. I bet at the weekend it gets very busy!

We saw two talks; WW2 dad's army and civil war weapons. These were really good as we learnt a bit about how the weapons were used and it was nice to bring the history alive in that way. The staff are really nice too.

I had a good time here and really enjoyed the Armouries and hopefully we can go back soon.      

We both had a great time and it was nice to escape things awhile. I hope we can go back next year but we've some plans already so we might not be able to fit it in! Leeds is a nice place and there's lots of things to see and do there. I do like it and my boyfriend enjoyed it too. 

Afterwards, I stopped by my boyfriends for a few nights and we went to this huge garden centre and I really wanted this bear statue but it was like £4000! Of course I've no where to put it and can't offered it but I can still dream! 

That's it for this post, thanks for reading.  

Book Review: For Want of a Shoe

Hi readers, 

It's weird to think that in my last post I said I won't really be doing book reviews any more and here I am starting September off with one! This one is a little bit different through because it's a self-published novel based on The Red Shoes by Hans Christian Andersen -though it also feels like the writer set out to re-write Fifty Shades Of Grey-. Now, I don't really read normal romance and erotic genre stories because they just don't grip me enough. I enjoy supernatural romance novels through because there's always more interesting things going on in the background or with other characters that keeps my attention. Of course, when FSOG took off I jumped on the bandwagon to see what all the fuss was about and well, I'll just keep my thoughts on that till I get around to reviewing it and the other books. With that in mind how did For Want of a Shoe add up?

The plot feels pretty basic; a pretty young woman, Abi, who has relationship and financial troubles gets a new job and falls for her boss. Her boss, Lester, though is only interested in 'a no strings attached' / 'friends with benefits' relationship within a BDSM lifestyle. She of course agrees to this in exchange for room and board in his huge fancy farmhouse. Only, she wants more and to be loved in a real relationship which isn't what he wants, so she leaves him. Only, she is still struggling financial and ends up making a deal with Lester's business accountant, who turns out to have a fetish for inflecting pain using canes. Abi can't cope with this and just in time Lester decides he can't live without her and saves her. 

I get that this plot is different from FSOG, but I can't help to make connections between the two of them. I think part of my problem with this genre is that I like my stories to feel realistic - even the supernatural and fantasy ones- and the main theme (BDSM, relationships ects)- don't feel real enough to me. It also makes me question what the writer's experience/ research has been like. I know for a fact that having experience of something can dramatically improve your writing and the realism of your characters. Setting that aside, I do have to admit that the plot was okay and it did draw me in, but not as much as FSOG (I wanted to know what Grey was up to and why. But when I finally got there is it was very anticlimactic and I regretted being so eager to know). There didn't feel much of a twist in the plot and nothing unexpected happens. 

What about the characters? Well, there's not much development for Abi and Lester and none for the background characters. Abi learns that she does sort of like the BDSM lifestyle and that she needed it to escape her boring reletionship with her ex. Lester learns to love again. That's basically it. I'd have liked to have seen more and the background characters are just there to push Abi and Lester along without their goals/wants really looked at. For me, the background character should be as important as the main characters and that's a sign of good writing. The characters do feel realistic, though Abi's ex really bugged me and not enough time was spent looking at his actions/wants. They didn't make me think about the characters of FSOG/Twilight though.            

The 'bedroom'/adult content stuff? Without going into too much detail of course! It worked and felt real for the most part. The BDSM stuff seemed more natural, though in some parts it does feel slightly abusive, especially the moments Abi has with the accountant. (though they are kinda meant to be like that. Also, I really disliked Mr Solomon and his addiction to all things Victorian. It just didn't feel right to me). I had to remind myself a few times that was a 'fantasy' story and thus it was okay. Strangely, what stood out for me was the 'piercing down there', I'm not sure why, I guess because I just felt it was an interesting thing.   

The worse parts for me were that nothing about the lifestyle is really explained to Abi and she is just sort of dragged into it. She can't really say no or suggested things, though I guess if that happened then the plot would've been different, but I'd so like to read a book where the Sub was fully on board and really into the lifestyle and the Dom felt the same way and it didn't feel abusive or victimized. (I also want to read a story about a Dominatrix and her male slave. I guess I could always write one myself!) Secondly, I cringed over the word usage of  'personal joystick', which only appeared two or three times, as I would have preferred a different terminology and it didn't feel in line with the narrative structure.  

The narrative and dialogue are all right. It seems better then FSOG and there some higher vocabulary words thrown in, (which might send some people Google-ing). There is a bit too much 'telling and not showing' for my liking though as the narrative finds it easier to just tell the reader what they need to know rather then trying to show it in the actions and dialogues of the characters. For me, also there needed to be more description of settings etc in places, but there's enough overall to carry the imagination through. Plus, the over use of the exclamation mark and question mark irritated me and devalued the usage of them. The bulk of the dialogue is realistic and fine, though some parts feel a bit clunky/clumsy.  

Overall, I have to admit that I liked this more then FSOG. The writing is a lot better and most of the bedroom stuff feels more realist. The characters, though lacking serious development, are less annoying and more easier to connect too. There's not a lot new with the plot/story nor any twists, but its good enough to get into and understand. I think if you are into this genre then this book is worth a read.  


Ps. Don't forget to check out my other blog, where I publish a new short story every day! I'm also requesting submissions for October. I'm looking for short stories from 5 words to 2,000 words with a horror, supernatural, Halloween theme. Please email them to me at hrhardman66@mail.com and help spread the word by re-posting this or my requests on my other blog. Thanks.    

https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

Still Struggling

'Well, I can't give any more, So now I'm giving up. 'Cause nothing's ever good enough.'

 

These lyrics from Good Enough by Hoobstank might be taken out of content, but they really say what I am feeling right. However, the other side of my mind is fighting against that and trying to stay positive, but that's a hard thing to do when you are feeling down and worthless. I don't want this post to be an emotional out pouring of my issues, I'd rather do that in private, but I've not written in awhile and well, I've got things on my mind. So maybe my out pour will help people to think or find their own voices on these matters.

I've just completed my four weeks of work experience. I wrote a few weeks back to say I was starting it and I did want to write another post about my experiences there, but I've been really busy and tried. Plus trying to juggle everything was really hard. Now that's it's over I've gone back to having more time, but I already miss it because I had something physical to do and I was motive. I got on with the people and became a team member too. I liked having different stuff to do each day and though some of the tasks did get boring and I did repeat things, I still give it my all and worked to a high standard. At the end of the day it proved I could work in an office and that I do fit the role of receptionist/admin, which was what I really wanted out of it.

It can be easy to become stuck with certain skills and not be able to expend out. Thinking in terms of a writer this seems true, but actually I know we do a lot more then that. A writer has to take on all the roles in a business team generally; boss, receptionist, admin, PA, account, writer, editor, proof-reader, researcher, mentor, tea maker and drinker. They sometimes become publisher too. I guess we don't realise that though, but it is true. Having a job like a plumber or electrician can bottle the skills and some people feel like they can't gain anything different. That's not true. There seems to be more courses and sessions then ever before now to expend skills and knowledge. I don't believe that a person can say they know everything. They might know a lot, but that knowledge won't be about everything in the world. However, I do think that people can reach a point where they don't think they can gain any more skills or knowledge. Sort of like me. What I lack is the experience and right now I think that is something most people suffer from.

Yes, my work experience went well, but as of yet it hasn't helped me into a job. I have no idea why and if I knew what the issue was I'd be trying to fix it. However, I know everything is fine at my end. The problem seems to be with the employers. So granted I won't be suitable for every job I apply for, but I've not even been given the chance to prove I could do the job with some of the others I've applied for. I don't know why I'm being so over looked and I don't know how to change this. I know there are certain things to put in cover letters and in CVs to attract the eye and make mine standout, but even that seems to have got me no where. Knowing the reasoning behind that would make me feel better, but I guess employers don't have the time for such things.

You know what else gets to me though? This reliance on technology. Grated it is easier to write and send off job applications and its easier to find jobs. But I hate these personality and other quizzes some companies make you take. I get the idea of it is to cut the number of applicants so that only the ones suitable for the job can go of interview, but the problem with these quizzes is that it can under value some people. Like me, because I suck at those quizzes. For example, today I did a quiz for a customer service job at a bank. Now you'd think that I'd be a good person to give an interview to because I've had experience and loved doing a customer service role. I've just proved I can work in an office and do admin duties. Okay, so I've not got an experience selling products to people, but I had to sell my uni to visitors and I was able to do that. I'm young, hard working, wanting to learn and meet new people. I'm good with computers and I've a good phone manner. I'm not so good with numbers, but I've learned how to cope with that over the years. I just don't understand and once again I'm starting to think there's a problem with myself and that's the reason why I'm struggling. The other thing

I also hate is how some companies want you to fill out a form that basically is your CV but just differently formatted. I don't understand why they bother with this, because it means you have to spend more time sending them information that you are already sending to them in your CV and most of the time there's no space for expending on things like the modules you took or else going into detail about your last job. So that seems pointless to me and gets me wondering why they just can't be happy with a CV? I think that applying for jobs in some cases has become a lot more harder and complicated thanks to technology. You spend ages filling in stuff and then don't get anywhere because you forgot to tick one box as it got lost under something else. Worse yet is when the website crashes or doesn't save! I can think of lots of times I've just finished off an applications or part of one and it's not saved or sent because of a problem on their website. Life was easier when you could go into these places and ask to speak to someone about the job. You could hand in a CV and talk to the people. You could leave feeling satisfied that they will call you back, whilst instead when you click that send button it just feels like a relieve to have completed all the forms.

I've not really put this into the actual context I meant to write it under. Basically, this whole thing has come about because my adviser at the jobcentre put me down this morning. I know that I am on her target list to get off jobseekers and into work. She thought it would be an easy enough thing to do and that I'd have got something a few months after signing on. It's not been the case and I keep coming back. I hate going to the job centre and I hate having to sign on even more. It makes me feel so useless and like a bad child at school. I know its not true, because I've a good education and have proven I can do so many things. I've also proven I'm doing all I can to find work and I don't think I could give any more. I feel like they should be offering more support to me and getting me to stay positive. Instead when I leave I feel so upset and depressed by the whole thing. Of course that then means I'm not in the mood to look for a job and like now I end up questioning myself and trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Plus it also impacts on my whole day. I was at the jobcentre for half ten this morning and its now twenty to eight and its still all on my mind, worrying me and making me feel bad and emotional. At the end of the day, that shouldn't be happening and that's not how I should be feeling after speaking to them. Maybe next time I shall have to find my voice and tell her to stop putting me down.

Technically, I shouldn't be there anyway and if I had it my way -job or no job - I wouldn't go. My problem is the money and the hole that would create on my CV. I need the money, so that I can travel to interview places, so that I can have down time with my friends- though its been ages since I was last out drinking and mostly this time has now became dates with my boyfriend-so I can buy stuff and not feel like a teenager begging money off my family. I actually save my money too. I keep it and only spend it when I need to. I buy myself a small treat like a new book or cd or my favourite sweets once a month if that. I'd like more money to become independence, to learn how to drive and to save up to get my own place.

I need to end on a positive note or else I'm just going to go to bed tonight in this depressed mood. So, here is my one good piece of news today. When I got home of the job centre, they phoned me to tell me that a job had come up and that they had recommended me for it. I just needed to send my CV to the place and then hopefully I'd be called for an interview. Now the job is actually something I could do and would be very happy to be doing as its selling books. So, now I'm just waiting to hear back and I'm keeping fingers crossed for it.

For my next post I want to write about e-books and the changing reading habits of people because its been on my list to write for ages and I so need to do it. I also want to get that new review started on my other blog and see how that goes. So, look out for those.



Down a Snake and Back to Square One

I quit my job today, yeah the one I had my first official day of yesterday. I'm ill at the minute and well this morning I was depending to phone in sick. But I had a lot of time to think last night and I decided that even though my first day had been bad, that clearly the job wasn't for me. No almost of time training or actually doing this job would have been able to change my personality and my beliefs. I'm naturally a shy, quiet bookworm, who sometimes comes out of her shell to discuss the world and help people. Only my close friends know there is a whole different side to me and that's my crazy, wild side which I'm scared to show the world because I know I'll be rejected. I've never ignored the realities of the world though or believed that all problems can be solved in books. I love stability, being academic, my comfit zone, my boyfriend and chocolate.

Now, finding a job that I'd be fine to do is proving to be tough. I'm young, bright, eager to learn, have great skills and knowledge, I'm creative and like working in a team just as much as working alone. I don't mind repetitive tasks, because I can daydream story ideas or else wonder about the meaning of life. I like helping people and leading them. I find I can inspire and get them to see things differently, but what I can't do is deal with people who won't/refuse to listen to me. As of yet, I'm still struggling to deal with reject and finding the will to stay positive. It can be a hard thing when all you can see is the negatives, somehow in this situation they always out weigh the positives. But, when I think about it once again I've done a lot with my life and have a lot to look forward to still. This is just...like a dropped stitch in a knitted jumper, waiting to be picked up and placed in the right line. Problem is the waiting game is getting to me and also I don't understand why employers don't want me. I know I'm being over looked and push to the side like so many other people because of two main things; My lack of experience in the work place since my only jobs have been student guide work for uni and Charity shop volunteering, so employers think I won't be up to the job or else they don't offer training.  Secondly, that I've been through a lot of eduction and got great grades, which means that employers think I might get bored and don't want to be in the job for a good length of time, because I'll want more. Though that's true, I'd aim for a natural progression up the pyramid.

I've no solutions to these problems other then the downgrading one of taking my MA and BA off my CV. I've heard that this can work for people, but to me I want to be proud of my achievements as going through uni hasn't been easy. No one should have to do that to get noticed, but with twice as many people applying for the same job, sometimes doing whatever it takes can give the best results. My current plan is to seek help from the job centre, reflect on what I want to do for the next few years and where I'd like to be in the next 2-5 years, apply for as many jobs including, graduate and internships, as possible but knowing what I'd be able to do and would best suit my skills. Carry on writing and trying to get somewhere with that. I published a 3rd short story today and am just waiting for amazon kindle to release it.

So, the dice I cast out have returned to me and now I'm busy waiting to throw them out again. Hopefully, I'll have more luck next time.