April Life Update; That Drowning Feeling.

Hi readers,

I'm struggling today. I'm still not well and had to take some more time of work but I now have to look at claiming benefits again as I've used up all my sick pay. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation because I don't want to but I don't have a choice. So, I have to go through trying to put a claim in and hoping I can get some finical support.

I also have to go back to work next Saturday, even if I don't feel well enough because not going will just make this situation worse. I want to go back. I enjoy my job and working, so I will try hard to self manage my colitis. 

That isn't an easy task, it's okay to avoid the food, drink and pain relief tablets that trigger me but what my battle really is about is my anxiety and stress. Trying to keep both of them down, is currently hard for me to do as I have so many worries and now I have the money and work ones back! 

I know deep down I will get through all of this. I've done so before and it's just a rough time for me again. I have the support of a lot of people around me, though I know today doesn't feel like that's the case but it's very much true. 

I'm also real lucky that I still live with my parents and don't have all the responsibilities of paying bills etc. I have some emergency money savings which can see me through till this month's payday, so as long as I don't actually buy anything for the next few weeks I'll be fine. So, I'm going to try and not worry about that all too much.

I've used some of those savings today to pay for my car tax and MOT. As my car was due both and the last thing I need is to be worrying about losing my car. My dad will make sure my car passes the MOT test, so I don't need to worry about that, just got to let him do some work on things this weekend to make that a positive pass as much as possible. 

So, now I just have to try and sent all this side and focus on other things. I know that's easily said then done! But I know that spending time over worrying, being upset, depressed and anxious won't get me anywhere or make anything better. Acting and trying to solve my issues with a calm mind and heart is the best way to go. 

Trying to stay positive has always been a hard thing for me to do. I like to think I'm a positive, happy person but that's not actually the case. I make myself like that because that's how I think I should be. I'm sure some of you also do that. Being negative and unhappy is a lot easier to do and people noticed that a lot more too. 

I do feel a bit like I'm drowning at the moment. It's like being on a boat in a storm and being thrown overboard. I'm struggling to save myself from the crushing waves and I know only I can really do that. Other people might be throwing the life ring out for me but it's up to me to grab it and hang on. 

So, what I do I do when I'm in this situation? Normally, I do have a break down. I cry lot and wonder over so much. I talk to people - my parents, boyfriend, some friends and just let everything out to them and try to listen to whatever advice they give me. Which can be hard as sometimes I don't want that but afterwards, it kinda useful to think about their suggestions and maybe act on them. 

I do lots of writing - in my diary, reflectively and though it can be hard, short stories. I can let everything out and I don't have to show my writing to anyone and I can just release all my thoughts and feelings on to paper and then it doesn't go around in my head. Actually, I do have a big focus this month as it's the A-Z Blogging Challenge! I'm wring a short story everyday prompted by words that are new to me. You can check it out on my other blog here; https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/

One of the other things I do is blast some heavy metal music and sing along. It's really get way to de-stress and just release all my emotions. Sometimes I'm too ill or not in the mood for this, so finding the right moment sometimes has to wait. But by taking the hours to do this, it's worth it as I often feel so much better afterwards and like I'm rising above everything that's getting me down. 

I have lots of bands and songs, I cycle through but I always return to these favourite bands; Disciple, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Iron Maiden, Drowning Pool, Bullet For My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon and Soil. All their songs speak to my soul and find a peace in the lyrics that I don't get anywhere else. 

The other thing I do to feel more positive and really I need to do more of this as I've found it can help lot and also change my mind set, is to get my Happy Books out. I think I've wrote about this before but briefly, a friend got me a notebook that had Happy Book on it and I decided to collect quotes and memes and imagines that made me happy inside the book. When I filled it, I went and brought this artist's A4 book to continue doing this. 

The front cover is a temporary thing until I get around to making one.      

I used Pinterest to help find things that make me happy and this can just be anything. I put this into a document, print them, cut them and stick them in the book. This helps focus my mind and also soak up some positive thinking. Here's an example of this; 

Recently, I have also turned to knitting and that helps me get through too. I was going to add to the end of this post about my recently finished knitting and my current projects but this post is all ready too long as I'll leave it like this now. 

I hope that things do get sorted for me soon and that things can change. Keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Thanks for reading and don't forget to check out my other blog. 

(Photos my own).

December Life update Part 2: Last post of the year!

Hi readers!

Well this is the last post of 2016 I'll be writing for this blog as next Monday is the second day of 2017! I hope everyone had a great Christmas. I did and I wanted to write a post about the changing of traditions, but to be honest I'm super tired and I've work tomorrow night. Hopefully, work will not be too bad, but you never know.

On another note, it's not snowed here. Manchester, UK has had gale force winds, heavy down pours of rain and minutes of hailstones, but so far it still doesn't feel like winter. In fact it's raining right now!

Also, unlike last time, I've no photos to post up. Not had a chance to really take any.

I have reached my book reading goal of this year though! I only had to read 30 books, but it was a starting block because I plan to raise it up ever year now. So in 2017, I'm aiming for 50 books. Though I should easily make that as I have two series to read, including one manga series that's got about 21 books in it. Of course, I won't be reviewing all of that series book by book! The second series is the True Blood one and I'll have to decided about reviewing all of those there's about 12, I think. Then I've about 10 books on my to-read list. So that's like 43 books, so finding a few more will be fine. Here's my Goodreads link; https://www.goodreads.com/user/year_in_books/2016/7400715

Christmas for me has been really good this year. Last year, I spent it away from home for the first time and for me I can't believe the difference being home for Christmas does make. I think it has to do with a number of connecting things like; being with my parents, the traditions we have, my family coming together, the food we have and just that sense of like belonging and things being right. It really makes me not want to spend another Christmas away from home, but it's nice to have a bit of a shake up and try new things.

So, what are my plans for next year then? Well, still doing this blog in the same way as well as my short story one. Though I'd like to find more people to submit stories to my blog, would be helpful to me and also grow my followers. I'd like to read more books as I just said. I'd love to get a car too and spend more time with the new man in my life. I'd like to have more days/weekends out to places and hopefully to become more stable in my new receptionist job. Lose some more weight is also on there again and maybe look at moving out. I need 2017 to be better then 2016 as this year has been rough for me and I'd like to start a new chapter now.

What are your plans for 2017? Have you set goals yet? Feel free to let me know. As for now enjoy the rest of 2016 and I'll see you in the new year!

Thanks for reading, Hayley.




Photo from; https://pixabay.com/en/new-year-s-eve-new-year-s-day-1877407/

July Life Update Part 1: What am I doing right now?

Hi readers,

I'm writing this early too to try and get a head as I'm so busy right now. Originally, the sewing project post was meant to be up first, but then I realized this follows on well from last week's post when I wasn't able to write about two things on there. So, I'm moving that post to August now. Which means the three Mondays for the rest of this month will now be the book reviews of the Soulless Manga trilogy and the first two books in the Custard Protocol series. Though as I've just checked, the second book isn't out till the Thursday 21st July and that's 5 days to read it in. Just pre-order it so it'll come just before or on that day now. Should have got it with my birthday presents, oh well.

The first thing I want to write about today is the question of if  I'm a 'serial dater' or not. Now, my only slight risk of writing and publishing this is that there are certain people I'd rather not see this post. But I do want to reflect on recent things and prove that I'm not really a serial dater. So, as most of you know I broke up with my boyfriend back in January. Since then we've still stayed friends and though this has been hard it's working...beside from not being able to break some of the old habits....

Around April, I decided I had to move on and prove to myself that I was still date-able and not stuck on the highest shelf like a broken doll. I joined two dating websites, both of which I had used before though, this time I was going to juggle being on both of them at the same time. My inboxes every since then have been stacked high with messages from men. Unlike the last times though, I tried to be more picky in which men I message back.

Internet dating is hard. Everyone seems to think it's easy, but to be honest it's a lot easier to lie and just say what you want, because you feel more protected by the screen and being home then say if you met some at a bar or public event. So, I get a lot of messages with men just saying "I have great ect 'place body part here.'" or do "I want to have a one night stand ect ?" I don't reply to those messages. Also, its rare I reply to people not in the same country as me, just long distance dating isn't my thing and I have enough friends right now. Okay, maybe I could do with a few more...but I like meeting up and doing stuff, not just talk online.

I have a lot of rules and stuff in place for my safety as I am so aware of the problems online dating can led too. One of my rules is that I try to spend awhile talking to the guy to get to know him. Another is that the first date is actually called the first meet up and we meet as friends. That's how it's been for all my 'dates' and I have stated this every time, we are meeting as friends. Because it's less pressure off everything really and I'm not in a hurry to get back into a relationship. Not because I'm holding a candle for my ex, but because I've suddenly discovered the freedom of being single. Though sometimes I don't like it, I'm enjoying it for the most part. My long term goal is of course to find someone, but right now I'm happy building friendships. They say that's how the best relationships start anyway.

So, Over the last two months or so I've meet up with four guys now from the two dating sites. To code them, I'm going to give them letters of the alphabet and try not to go into too much detail about them personally (just to protect them and myself, because I'm nice like that).

The first guy, A, I have meet 3 times now. I really like him and we get on, there's this flitting between us which I enjoy too. He's very funny and sarcastic, which I like. He makes me laugh a lot and he finds my stories and jokes funny. Also, all the meet ups we've turn into mini adventures as we end up wandering around looking for places! The downside for me is that he does live far away from me, but he sees the city I live in as his true home and he does want to move here one day. I am hoping things will develop with him, but I'm not sure if it'll last, we don't seem to have that much in common as of yet anyway.

B lives a lot closer and we had an okay first date, even if I ended up taking the led on it. Which I don't mind, but he was lacking in confidence for me. Plus physically, I didn't feel attracted to him. He was really sweet, but I think he was too nice and was happy doing whatever I wanted. Which I didn't trouble me, but some input would have been good. We've stayed in connect and I said we could be friends, which I know he's not too happy about. We have yet to arrange a second meet up.

C and I have met twice now. He seems nice, but like B he is lacking in confidence and also he's shorter then me and I just can't deal with that. There's just something about tall men I like and it doesn't help that I'm tall myself! The first time we met, I had to buy my own drink. which I don't mind - it's not a date! but I think it jarred with me that he didn't even ask me about it or anything....unlike the other two guys. We had a good talk and we did have a bit of a walk too - which is how I noticed the height difference!

We went bowling and for lunch as our second meet up and he talked a lot about this girl he liked. I was actually in one of my low moods and the conversation wasn't that interesting. Bowling was fun though and lunch was okay. I fear that he'll go the same way B went though as he's not for me, but a friendship might work.

D does live a bit away from me and we have met twice now. The first time, I broke my rule of not eating on the first met up. I'm not a shy eater, but I can be a bit messy and I'd rather just get something like a drink which can easily be handled. And I was messy! We had a talk about a number of things and I do feel once again that I was far more confident then him. Though for some reason I was really on edge and so chatty. He was taller then me though and paid for lunch - super nice of him because he didn't have to. But then he give me super mixed signals because he decided to leave.

I don't normally set an end time unless I have to, but that meet up only lasted about an hour and 40 minutes. Which isn't that short but compared to the the four- six hours I'm use to it kinda is. I so thought I'd come on too strong and he'd not liked me. I had all this paranoia about it until he texted me and asked me if I wanted to meet again...turns out he was just super worried about missing his train home though they seemed to be every hour. I agreed and decided to give it another go.

The second meet up went a lot better and actually changed some of my first judgement about him. I think it helped that we went and did something this time. We went to an art gallery and had fun looking at the paintings. He made some jokes and we talked a lot about art and relationships. We went for tea and it was my pick this time, I choice a new place I'd not been to before, but the food was good. We split the bill this time and we hugged like three times before he left.

I'd like to see him again and not just because he said he wanted to go to the zoo for our next meet up! But because I think his confidence will grow and we have lot in common.

So, am I serial dater? I don't believe so. For starts, I'm not actually 'dating' them and they and me know where we stand and I make it repeated clear that's the case. Also, this the first time I've seen a number of men at once. Normally, I stick with one guy and if the first meet up doesn't work then I move on to the next. Actually, I only started dating in my early twenties. As a teenager, I wasn't that interested in boys and it's only been over the last six or seven years that I have changed my mind and become interested in finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

I looked up what the actual differentiation of a serial dater and there's lots of interesting information out there, but I came to understand that it's a person who has a few dates with someone then moves on to someone else and the pattern repeats. They do this because they like the first stage of dating and don't want to commit to anything. Also they don't want to spend time getting to know people, they enjoy having money spent on them and date people who have nothing in common with them. I don't really tick any of those boxes.

Of course, I know there's going to come a time when either I decide to start a relationship with one of these guys or another I've yet to meet. I currently have two guys I really want to meet up with as well. Then I know I'll have to sort things out because I'm so not a cheat. At the minute I'm having a bit of trouble juggling the four guys I'm making friends with, so I can't imagine managing two different relationships! To be honest, I'm just having fun meeting and getting to new people, which is something I don't do really do.

And before I forget here's a link to a tumblr I llike and some of the posts on here just sum up internet dating messages for me really well; http://really-not-ok-cupid.tumblr.com/ If you need a giggle it's a good thing to check out, also it reminds me why being single can be a good thing!

On the flip side of this, for the past six weeks I have been giving up my Sunday mornings to be a part of the group mentoring at the youth center. It's the first run of this and it's to help 8-12 children who can't do 1-1 mentoring because their problems are not big enough or do to their additional needs they are unstable. But, if once we finish in another seven weeks, the young people still need support they'll go into the 1-1. I thought this would be a good way to start my mentoring as I've not been matched up to a young person yet.

I am finding it tough. It's hard to do anything for the first time even with training and support. I think it's going to take awhile for me to get into it as even after all this time I'm just not getting to grips with it. I'm not going to say mentoring isn't for me, I just think I need more practice at it as with everything. Maybe I need to do some more reading around the subject and look at how I can improve myself.

So the group mentoring sees three mentors, a supervisor, a supporter and eight young people meeting to do a range of activities which I divided into doing an activity often based around teamwork and looking at emotions/feels, lunch and small group time which sees the mentors working with the same 3 or 2 young people in a more focused activity. Now, my two kids are brother and sister and they have a bit of a rough home life, not in any abusive and neglecting ways, just that their mother has a lot on her plate it seems.

Last Sunday was also the second time they'd not turned up and it was the four time all together. It bugs me because I'm giving up my free time to help these kids to reach the reasons they are on mentoring and their mum doesn't seem so bothered to bring them. I'm so hoping this is going to change and that I can now spend the next few weeks actually helping this kids out. I keep telling myself that even if I'm just there for them and they can talk to me and I can teach them one coping technique they remember when they are having a bad time, then I'll feel like I achieved something. It'd be goo if I can do more, but as a mentor there's only so much you can do anyway.

Even though I love my part time job, I'm currently looking for another. I'd love to find some morning work in an office somewhere, so that I could still keep my shifts at the youth center. It wasn't my plan to really stay so long and I wanted a full time job, but I've not had much look and I guess I've become to comfy where I am. But I want to move out and get a car and the only way to really do that is to save up and I need more money to do that. So, I'm on the look out again and hopefully, I'll find something soon enough.

The issue is that job hunting doesn't get any easier really. I find it takes up so much time and it's tiring. Being on sites like Linked In and signing up to temp and agencies does make it easier, but it's putting in all the leg work and the fact I don't get many replies triggers my depression. A few weeks back I had a phone call and I was headhunted for this job as a research at a recruitment center. But the interview was cancelled the evening before because the guy said on reflection I didn't sound confident enough and that totally didn't make any sense to me. Also he wanted to hand in my notice that day before I had the interview so he could hire me the next day! That's just weird too.

In some other news, I have finally got a goal date set for my short story collection anthology release. It's going to be on Monday 1st August. This is going to be published on amazon kindle for £1. Which seems really cheap to me! It's going to be a collection of around 30 short stories from the first year of my other blog The Story Files over on Wordpress. I've been saying for ages that I'm going to do it and now I really mean it. I'll post on here when it's ready.

I so want to look at getting money from my blogs. I know its' difficult to do and most people say it's like a full time job. I've never really wanted to actually get money out of this because it me it's always been my space to just out pour, but it'd be great to get some else in return for writing now. Speaking of that and blogs.....

I had a great idea for a new blog and I plan to start that up next week. My plan is to post on that blog on Fridays and it's going to be about fighting negativity and how to stay positive. This blog is different from my current two and others I've done in the past because it's going to focus on advising people. I had this idea after having a talk with my dad then seeing some self-help books work. Originally, I was just going to make a life post about it but when I started planning it out there was so much I wanted to write about that I thought I could just turn this into a new blog.

I have set a word limit of 500 words per-post because that's about the right word count to draw people in and to read it fully. I try hard to keep the word count down on here, but like I said with this being a space to out pour it can be hard to keep things short!

So, I'll let you know about that when I've sorted it all out.

Update! I've set it up and done the first post! You can check it out here; https://negativitybreakout.wordpress.com/

Lastly, I wanted to write about my future plans. Right now, I'm on a short break in Leeds with my mum. On Saturday it was actually my birthday and this trip to Leeds is apart of that. I might write about that at some point. So, I've got some books lined up for reviewing, more short stories to write, two novellas to finish and I want to get the other two short story collections for the second and third year of my blog sorted and published. I think I'll carry on with what I've been currently doing on this blog, because it seems okay, but I'm hoping my new blog takes off.

Thanks for reading and please stay posted for some updates on all of this stuff soon!


My other blog: https://thestoryfiles.wordpress.com/


Images from https://pixabay.com

April Life Update: Being Ill Is Not Much Fun.

Hi readers,

Sorry, I've not posted in two week, but I was ill and so was my mum. In fact, I still am as this cold doesn't seem to want to go. Sometimes I can think of nothing worse then a bad cough that just won't quit! I guess it doesn't help that I've had hardly anytime to rest up. I've had a busy time at work, covering other peoples' shifts and volunteering on reception. Plus, I had an interview for working with the seniors, but I didn't get the job. Didn't get my PhD interview either, which was a shock.

Also, I can't let go of my ex-boyfriend no matter what I tell myself and it's become a complicated issues of us not being together and agreeing we really are not getting back together, but acting as if we are a couple again! So yeah, I'm feeling really low about stuff. And though I hate to admit, I'm wondering if I'm getting depressed again. Though, it's more like my run of bad luck and feeling ill that's giving me those thoughts. But if it does get worse, I'll be going to talk to someone.

I've not been up to anything crafty or arty outside of work. I've still got my felt steggie dinosaur to make and my mum is busy knitting me a werewolf, so maybe next month to show off them? Though got my trip to London first! So, excited about that.

Firstly, I'm currently taking part in the A-Z Challenge on my other blog. Every day, but for Sundays, the post has to be titled and be about a word starting with the next letter of the alphabet. So last week as an example I wrote stories about Anxiety, Bedazzled, Cacti, Dog. I'm finding it lots of fun and a great way to meet other bloggers. Of course, it's also to get you writing and blogging more, but I all ready do that!  

Secondly, I wanted to write about my reading goals for this year, which I had put on my Goodreads page, but forgot. I choice to try and read 30 books this year and so far I've read only 10. Feels more then that though! Last year, I did a reading challenge from Popstar, I think it was and there was around 30 books on that last too. I didn't get to read all of them though. Hopefully, having to do a book review 3-4 times a month will help as I'll need to start reading faster again.

I've got lots of books that I keep meaning to start, like the True Blood ones as I've finished watching all the seasons now. Also, the Vampire Diaries, Anne Rice's wolf books, though I'd love to read Interview with A Vampire again. Then I've got some steampunk ones and some YP ones and just, yeah far far too many! I'm sure I'll get around to them all though.

Here's the link to my Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/7400715-hayley-hardman

The only upside to being ill has been that I've spent a lot of time playing Bioshock. This is like my third time playing through it now. I'm way out of practice and found the medium setting a bit hard. I've never been good at shooting games, nor any other game really, but I do still like playing them. I think Bioshock grabs me because of the dystopia setting and the story line. It feels like a different experience to other games and I remember watching my dad playing and getting hooked. I feel like I did a review of it once on here...anyway....

I've finished it again, but I'm going back for some of the achievements I've missed and then I've got to play through it again for two or three more as well. I've moved on to Bioshock 2 now, which is my favorite. I love playing as a Big Daddy and learning more about Rapture! I don't know why I find the second easier to do, maybe its the add strength of being stronger or because I've played it that many times I just know it. My favorite level is Siren Alley. I'm not sure why, but it really sticks with me.

In fact, I started reading the novel that is set before the first game and I'm going to review it next week now.

So on Thursday of last week, I was feeling so fed up with everything that I decided to take the plunge I was planing to do at the end of this month or maybe later. I joined two dating websites. Well, it turned out that okcupid still had my profile...don't know why, but it seems I forget to delete it. I also joined plenty of fish, which I was on ages ago, but got rid of after meeting my second ex-boyfriend.  

Writing and talking about all the thoughts and feels I had when I'd set up the accounts and glanced at some photos of possible dates is just impossible. I have the urge to try though, but I guess it'll be hard for people who've not been in this situation to understand. I just felt so guilty and sad and like it was wrong. I was betraying and being unfaithful too. But of course I'm single now, so why would I feel like all that?! I guess the idea of moving on is just too painful still and thinking that I'll never find anyone who's better then him. I just felt worse about everything.

Then the messages started...it's weird I was thinking I'd have to wait hours, days maybe before guys saw my profile, but nope. I'm not playing 'the I'm desperate game' or 'I'm super lonely' ect, I'm just being me, though a lot less flirty then I remember being before. I still don't know if it's what I want, but I know I won't be meeting up with anyone anytime soon. Jumping into another relationship isn't going to help, but seeing that there are other men interest in me will make me feel a bit better. And I never know who'll meet, so I'm going to try and have some fun...though not to much, can't get carried away! 

So, next week I'm going to review the Bioshock book and then hopefully, fit another review in the Monday after and before I go to London. Still really excited about that!

Till next time!  

Images from:
http://store.steampowered.com/app/7670/
https://pixabay.com/en/love-heart-broken-sad-unhappy-cry-1281655/